How I Should Have Handled My Divorce

Now, if you are here to get some pointers on how to get back with your ex I’m sorry to say that isn’t what I’m going to talk about. This is more on how to deal with your divorce to help yourself and those around you. I’ve read a few blogs and articles on how to deal with it and what to do, but I can honestly say none of them really helped me out.

 

It’s Okay To Be Angry, But…

Whether you wanted the divorce or not you are going to be angry. I sure as hell was and when I realized there was nothing I could do to stop it that anger just built up. Being angry can be a good thing and bottling it up could make it worse, but the one thing you don’t want to be is destructive. I started destroying personal pictures of my ex-wife and I that I could never get back. Yeah, it felt good doing it at that second, but once I calmed down I Just felt stupid. I finally put together everything that I loved about her, put it in a box and put it somewhere where I couldn’t do any harm to it. You should honestly do the same thing. Good memories are good memories even if you see a ton of bad coming your way.

 

If You Have Kids

If you don’t you are lucky then. Well, sort of? My kids mean everything to me and for them to go through this and for my ex and I to have to split our time with them is a bit hard on all of us. Regardless of what happens between you and your spouse the one thing you should be there for is your children. This is going to hurt your kids enough, so don’t use them, don’t take it out on them because no matter what you are still both their parents.

 

Remember You Both Loved Each Other At One Point

Regardless of how it got here try to make the divorce as painless as possible. People seem to get the idea of “screwing over” the other person because they were hurt in some way. It would just be best to make things fair for both of you, so you can move on with your lives. Unless they did something illegal or tried to physically harm you there isn’t any reason why you should just try not to move on happily.

 

Trying To Be Friends Can Sometimes Work

I know a few people that are really good friends with their ex and they somehow get everything to work out. I would suggest this because it could bring you peace of mind for your sake and if you have kids even better. However, sometimes it might not work out, like with me. I am still madly in love with my ex. I was with her for close to fifteen years and had three kids with her. When I found out she fell out of love with me years ago, that the sex was just sex and that she was already moving on to another man I was heartbroken. I sadly can’t be her friend and I would suggest you do the same if you are still in love with your ex. I’m not talking we will always love each other stuff. If you still want to be with them and they don’t want to be with you, you should keep your distance.

Honestly, in most cases you are going to break some of these. Try to do the best you can to bring the damage of this to a minimum. Breathe. Think things over and remember this isn’t the end. You will move on and you can be happy again.

I Want To Feel Love From Another Person For Once

Last night, when I was putting my kids in their beds, I kissed each one of them and told them I loved them. My oldest son was still awake and looked at me asking me why I did that every night when they were with me. I told him the last thing I wanted between us was a kiss and telling them how much I loved them. That is something I did with my ex-wife as well. Regardless of how angry I was at her I would always kiss her and tell her I loved her.

When I went downstairs to relax it dawned on me that my ex-wife had actually asked me that question years back. She was dropping me off at work and I was late. However, I turned around real fast and told her to wait. I kissed the boys and I kissed her telling them I loved them. She was annoyed by this and asked me why I did it every single day. I told her the reason and all she said was, “Oh.” I didn’t know it at the time but that should have been a clear sign for me. She didn’t feel the same way about me.

She had told me she gave up on everything before our second child was born.  I had two more kids with this woman when she didn’t even care about me. I think throughout most of our marriage she didn’t actually love me. Because there is more to love than just liking the person during the good times. There will always be bad times in any relationship as well.

My ex was never a model house wife or mother. However, regardless of all her flaws I loved every inch of her and never imagined being with anyone but her. She left me for her boss after being with him for only a month and has put him above me as the father of my children. Even now after all the terrible things she has done if any woman got between her and my kids she would be gone in a heartbeat. However, this man has used my kids as weapons and even texted me saying that my kids love him and they don’t even miss me. Even threatening my family and myself if we told her. She just defended him. She may have fell out of love with me in a matter of a few years and put on this appearance because she felt stuck with this mistake of a person that she believes that I am.

I want someone to look at me when I’m doing great, bad, annoying, gross and when they say they love me I can feel it. I’m 33 years old and no one has truly loved me. I have family and friends of course, but a person that wants to be my wife. When I thought about that last night I was sad. I know I still love my ex, but that image of her, the thing in my head didn’t love me. Even now when some people are trying to hit on me I won’t do anything because we are still technically married and even if it never meant anything to her it means something to me.

My Worst Year, But A Hopeful Future

I guess 2017 may go down as the worst year possible for me. Yeah, there are plenty of good things that happened over the months, but overall I lost the love of my life. My wife at the time wanted a separation to help our marriage get back together. However, I knew something didn’t seem right and others in both our families had the same hunch. When I found out she was cheating on me with her boss and I can’t say I was surprised. I found all the evidence I needed and she honestly didn’t care at all about it and continued to lie to me until it just came out. It was a stab in the heart and a pain I know that will remain there forever. She has become hateful and bitter towards me. It is weird how only a year ago we told each other how much we loved each other and now she left me for another man. She now hates every bit of me as a person.

I found out the man she left me for has had a lot of addiction problems with drugs, alcohol and who knows what else. He has been divorced twice and had just ended his second when he met her. He also has charges on sexual assaulting someone and made threats towards my parents drunk. When I brought these things up to her she said I was just attacking his character. That I was jealous. No, I didn’t want this man near my children. However, she said to be with me was just settling and he was a better man than me. This man has texted me threats, told me my kids love him and don’t even miss me, and she thinks it is no big deal. For better for worse was not an option anymore.

A lot happened during those months though that I can say are a positive. I’ve gotten healthy and started to work out a lot to keep my body in shape to where I want it. I suffered through the last five years because of PTSD. It left me a hollow husk of my former self and I’m still sorry for so many friends and family members that had to witness that. I was toxic and no one deserved to be around that. Now, I can safely say that person is gone forever and I can move forward knowing that I’m a better person. My ex would tell me it was because of her, but it actually wasn’t. I did this on my own and I wanted her to be a part of it, but she hated me so much by then. I honestly can’t put the full blame on her. Yes, she pulled the trigger on the gun when she cheated on me, that is her fault even if she won’t admit it, but I did put the gun in her hands.

I have found God again, somehow. He was hiding behind my curtains. It is funny because one of the reasons why my ex hated me was because I left the church and I somehow found my way back. She doesn’t believe it and she never will, which is fine. Her and her boyfriend have even mocked me about it. I know many of my friends are cringing at the idea of me going back to church. No, they’ll say. Tony, please come back for science and reason! Well, that hasn’t left me either. I can safely say that I am right in the middle of where I want to be with this. Reason will always be my friend, but the spirit of something beyond me is inside of me as well. This balance has brought a lot of peace inside of me. I’m going to embrace it, but keep it within myself. I don’t want to judge people or try to act like I’m better than anyone. I think everyone should find something like this. It doesn’t have to be religion, but every one of us deserves to be happy.

Someone said to me,

“Ok. Honestly this may sound bad, but it doesn’t sound like she wanted a separation to try to fix things with you. She wanted a separation so she could do what she wanted to do. I don’t care what you did Tony! You were struggling with a mental illness. And she wasn’t going to support you through it. Instead she chose to feed her needs elsewhere with someone else. Someone that cares for you wouldn’t do that!

You can hate me for saying this, but she is being extremely selfish. Do you really want to take someone like that back?? Even if she did agree to change. She would still be her. Do you have enough love and respect for yourself to put your foot down and say you deserve better? I’m not saying you need to turn her away now. Go ahead and give her until the end of the year if you must. But what if it turns out this guy chases her away before then and she comes crawling back to you just because you’re all she has?”

I know she isn’t coming back. She has told me how much she doesn’t love me or even wants to look at me. There is some truth to what this person said to me, when I realized it is time to let her go. However, I don’t feel there really is a villain in this. She stuck by a man for years who had become toxic from his mental illness. We all want to say we would do the right thing when the time comes up, but we are all human. We all have a breaking point and we all will make mistakes. I never believe we aren’t capable of cheating, but I also believe we are capable of always changing for the better. However, some things are just character flaws as well that we can’t control.

I will always love my ex. I considered her my soulmate and I sadly still do. People would call me dumb, but I would gladly have a second chance with her to make things right. This isn’t the case though. She has clearly told me how much she dislikes me and how being with me isn’t even worth that second chance. Is it sad? Well, duh, of course it is. However, I can’t force another person to be with me, that would be wrong.

People will call me a liar and that I’m trying to get sympathy. No, I’m telling my side of the story. As I have said, I have evidence and I have brought up to her only to have her lie to me again and again. When she finally realized she was caught for good she didn’t care and instead told me how much she hated me.

Overall, I can say that I am happy with who I am as a person. Yes, I will be forever heartbroken. I won’t fully blame her, I had plenty of fault in our mistakes. She dealt with a selfish asshole for years who was to weak to get help. However, she may never admit her many mistakes and never seek the help that she needs. It truly makes me sad that it had to come to this. I really wanted our family to stay whole and for us to work out our problems, even after I found out she was cheating on me. Sadly, this chapter of my life will close and I’ll look back on it with regret, but learn from it all at the same time.

I wanted to use this blog for healing what I was going through this year. I believe that job is now complete. I have my three boys that love me so much and I would do anything for them. Thank you for reading and I wish you all the best of luck in the future.

Sticks And Stones

We’ve heard this saying a hundred times when we were younger to help us deal with bullies growing up. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. We are told not to give in to people taunting us, to let words go in one ear and out the other without a single thought. However, as we get older we know words are more powerful than we could ever imagine.

What do I mean when I say they are powerful? Well, they can move nations to come together or to destroy one another. They can persuade us to walk one path in life or take another altogether. They have the power to make us brave or to bring terror into our hearts. Words can heal us…but they can most definitely hurt us as well.

When you’ve been married for decades you start to learn the deepest secrets of each other. You soon know everything about one another and you put absolute trust in that person to forever respect those secrets and feelings. Sadly, marriages, trust, respect and secrets can all be broken. It’s going to happen whether you like it or not. People will always say their marriage is “perfect” they don’t fight and they perceive it as nothing but unbreakable. Reality will soon come in swinging and everything you’ve held dear can now be used against you.

My wife wanted to divorce me and I was devastated by that choice. During the time of her leaving I could have done one simple thing, and that would have been to shut my mouth. We both should have done that, but I was by far the worst. I said things to her that I didn’t mean, but I was so hurt that I wanted to do the same to her. I knew the buttons to press, the levers that needed to be pulled and I did it perfectly. I saw it hurt her and it did nothing for me. I loved her, I still do, and by doing that I painted an ugly picture of myself in her mind and regret in my heart.

Doing nothing can sometimes be doing something. Like I said, if I would have shut my mouth, regardless of what she said to me, maybe we could have patched things up somehow. I loved her and I thought during this time she was still in love with me, so I should have gathered up together those words directed at me were from a place of hurt and maybe tried to put reason in there somewhere.

Humans are emotional. Look at our politics, religions, movies, music just about everything we do. We strive from our emotions. They can get out of control and put us in a place we never wanted to be in. It is hard to control them. It would make life a little easier if we could keep them in check 24/7, but then again some of our greatest achievements come from a whim of said emotions as well. A double edge sword it would seem.

What can I learn from my experiences from this? When I rethink those terrible days of us fighting I wish I would have listened more to her side along with mine. Instead, we took everything as an insult. When you do that you are already in attack mode. You aren’t trying to have a conversation; you are just waiting for them to be done talking so you can fling your mud at them. Stop, listen, and think about what was actually said. Yeah, sometimes the two of you don’t want to be together, but in my case I wanted to stay more than ever. And even if you want the divorce it doesn’t mean you need to make a new enemy. You had something, you had a moment in your life and whether you liked it or not you were happy in one point in time.

Letter To My Ex Wife

I remember the first day I saw you. We were in high school and getting ready to see a movie together with friends. I fell in love you with that very moment. True love isn’t something I used to talk about because I didn’t think I ever really felt something on that level. Kids say it to each other because they think it is something you just do, but when you really feel it, it knocks you back on your feet. We love family members because we feel that we have to. However, to choose someone, a stranger that we run across in this life of ours and open up our hearts to them, isn’t something I did often in my young age.

During our time being married, I didn’t care about the rest of the world. It could be burning to the ground around me, but if you were holding my hand I couldn’t care less about it. We created three beautiful boys that do nothing but fill me with joy. They can be annoying, attention seekers, and overall just plain rude, but I love them so much I feel like my body could burst from it.

I always imagined we would be together forever. I’m not a religious person by any means, but, whether it was this life or an eternity in another, I wouldn’t want to spend it with anyone but you. Now, it seems that is nothing but an illusion in my head.

The last year we were actually together I slowly started to pick myself up. For years I was falling down a depressing hole that I couldn’t get out of. It didn’t help our marriage at all. You weren’t perfect yourself and caused many issues that broke our marriage, but mine were something that should have been dealt with years ago. I have a lot of mental issues. I know you struggled in some areas, and it always makes me regret actions I should have taken differently. If I did I wouldn’t be writing this letter.

It was working slowly, and I was trying as hard as I could to make myself a better husband, father and person overall. However, once you got a new job everything changed for the worse. You became distant, talked to your boss about personal things over the phone (She left me to be with him), and did everything you could to not be near me. I knew I was losing you and I felt lost. The day finally came when you told me you wanted a divorce. I went through so many emotions like anger, sadness, guilt, blame, and so much more.

For the last several months of our marriage I tried as hard as I could to win you back. It was over, though. You showed bitterness to me, said to others it didn’t matter if I changed and had no faith in me. You believed I am a doomed person and nothing I did would matter. This broke my heart. The one person in the world I loved now thought I was pathetic and not even worth the time.

Everything that made us a couple got packed up into two boxes.  I wanted to throw them away, burn them, shred them, or send them off into space. I didn’t want it anywhere near me. But I couldn’t. I just set them someplace nice and decided I’ll know what to do with them when the time was right. I still look at our stuff from time to time to see how beautiful you are and realize you’ll never smile like that for me again.

I know it is possible to never love anyone the way I did for you. People may view it as childish, or I’m just being hateful, but I know I can’t ever talk to you again as we used to. I can’t look at you with another man knowing you are making him happy the way you would do for me. This will forever be my biggest regret in my life that I didn’t see the signs fast enough in my head.

I have the boys though. They brighten my day whenever they are with me. They hug me and tell me, “I love you for infinity, dad!” I’m so happy we made these boys. I know you’ll hate the piece of them that is me, but I’ll never forget the piece of them that is you.