Conflict of Interest

My divorce will be final soon and I’ve already had a few people tell me to start dating again. The idea of that is terrifying and I honestly don’t feel up to it. People think another woman would make me feel better after being told how pathetic and ugly I was. However, right now I just want to be fine with myself before I take that plunge of bringing another person into my life. There is one thing that irks me the wrong way though. It’s when people say I need to find someone compatible with me. I think that will be a huge error if that is the only thing I look for.

Alright, yes, you need to find some things in common to bond over, to make it seem like it can last. However, there is one huge problem with that. That problem is change. We as humans change all the damn time. Whether it is our favorite bands, politics, movies, or the very cells in our body, we are constantly changing. Which means the things we liked about the person, the things we were intrigued from the beginning, are going to change as well. That may be why my ex started to really dislike me. Yeah, the depression didn’t help that much, but she clearly didn’t like me as a person for years and that festered into her hating me.

For myself, and I know it sounds foolish or overall really strange, but it was just a feeling. It didn’t matter what her religion was, the foods she liked, or the bad habits she had. I just loved her. That is something I want in my next partner. But the sad thing is, just like with my ex, they might not feel the same way. I’ve come across many women that people would deem compatible based on our favorite things, but that didn’t mean we clicked or I would look at her and get a warm sensation running through my body.

I was told to find someone who was an atheist or agnostic like myself. Why? I’ve had good times with those that are believers. I don’t feel the lack of God will make my experience with someone better as long as they aren’t trying to force me to do anything outside my comfort zone,  or put it upon my children, I couldn’t care less on their belief system in a higher power.

People are afraid of conflict. I’ve noticed that more and more every day. Yeah, on Twitter, Facebook, or whatever new social media thing is going on, they’ll tell that person across the world to go eat a bag of dicks. But when it comes time to look conflict in the face, to have an actual discussion with someone who may have a different opinion on a subject, most people cower. They avoid it because they have to actually explain themselves instead of sulking about it on a text format and never come back to it again.

When I ask a simple question on the motives of someone who just blurts out their opinion, they get mad at me. Not mad because I have a different opinion, but mad because they now have to explain it, they have to actually think about their motives. Self-reflection sucks, I know that. It was around a year ago this time when I realized how unhappy I was with myself. Doing this helped, but just looking at the problem doesn’t fix things. Having action does.

I guess I still have a lot of growing to do. I know I’m not old. I’m in my early 30’s and there is still a lot I can do with my life. I think for the next year or so I just need to find that center of happiness within myself. I want to be healthier, I want to grow as a person, and if someone comes across my path that gives me that “feeling” that would be great. If not, I know I’m not actually alone on this rock.