I’m An Agnostic Mormon

Yeah, I know the two words aren’t going together very well. For a long time, I have struggled with the idea of God in my head. When my depression really kicked in hard I lost complete faith in the idea and during this time the woman I loved more than anything was Mormon. I was born into the faith, but I always questioned everything. She later left me saying one of the excuses was my lack of faith, and I could understand that because I wasn’t respectful about it.

Back in March I started to feel different. Not in the way a teenage boy or girl would feel, but more my mindset on what I wanted in my life. Everything about me was changing and it scared the living hell out of me. I thought I was starting to lose myself as a person. I was scared I was just thinking that way because of my wife leaving me and I wanted to bring her back in my life.

However, as the months went on I felt more compelled to go back to church to at least find something spiritual in my life. The bishop at the church understood how I felt and made things so easy for me. I told him how I wasn’t probably going to be 100% in it, but then again I don’t think I could fully to commit to anything like that. There is no way to prove it, but I can’t deny my feelings. I can’t refute my hope or my faith in it.

My wife had left me and while I did try to fight it I still wasn’t in the right place of mind. I panicked and probably made things worse between us. It was hard to imagine we went to the temple together and she loved me enough to want to be with me forever. After my PTSD really kicked in I know I made her sick of me and the idea of being with me even in this life wasn’t even an option. I almost thought that when she told me how much she didn’t like me I would lose my faith all over again, but I didn’t, and that scared me a little as well.

I know for a fact I can’t prove anything when it comes to faith. This life and if there is another one after it is extremely scary. We are all agnostic whether we want to believe that or not. We all like to wonder, we all get scared of the “what if” and yeah, religion has a crappy history sometimes, but at the same time it can fill you with so much hope. I can’t deny what I feel anymore and I’m okay with it if people don’t like that. I’ve had friends try to convince me not to, my soon to be ex-wife and her boyfriend have mocked me about going back and overall I know even the people of faith aren’t probably going to agree with how I feel on everything. Sitting on the fence with something like this pisses off both sides.

It doesn’t matter though because I know what I want from this. My faith with God will be just between him and I. I’m not going to judge people, I’m not going to try to convert and I’m not going to be preachy. Being more spiritual along with meditating has taken so much anger from my life and it is just pointless to be angry at anything anymore. I just want to be happy and to purse that happiness to the best of my abilities.

I Was Told To Participate In A Fasting Last Sunday

Yesterday was fast Sunday and I had the Elders over (I’m Mormon) who asked me if I would try to do it. I had completely forgotten about it since I’m coming back to my faith after years of being away, so I had to think if it was something smart for me to do with my current setup of eating healthy and working out. I decided when I woke up Sunday to actually give it a shot since you could do it two different ways. You either did two meals of no eating or drinking, or you could do twenty-four hours of no eating or drinking.

Now, I get the whole point of fasting from a spiritual sense. It helps you to understand the sacrifices of Christ and for you to pray about what is troubling you in hopes that this will help guide you. I’m an Agnostic Mormon which is something I decided a few days ago and I’ll talk more about that in a future post, but for right now let me focus on my fasting.

As I said the whole point of it is to reevaluate something in your life and to feel closer to God. I thought about all my current situations that were bothering me as the hunger pains started to creep their way into my belly. With my current workout routine, I eat more than normal and let’s just say I don’t think I was prepared for this. I was struggling my last bit until I decided to start meditating, something on my list of things I want to start doing.

The mediation helped me keep focus. I’ve been studying a lot on it because I saw all the scientific benefits of both fasting and meditating. No, I’m not talking about some pseudo-science hogwash. I’m talking about real studies that saw physical changes, positive ones as well, for doing it. In a spiritual sense it is debatable, of course, but the science behind it is strong at least.

I think I’ll be doing this the first Sunday of every month. To remind myself of what I’m willing to sacrifice in my life for my kids and my own well-being in this world. Each month I inch myself closer to something more positive in my life. I fight as hard as I can for it. By this time next year I’ll be a completely different person.

I Have Something To Say That A Lot Of People Aren’t Going To Like

I’ve gone through a lot since January. I started my year off with trying to kill myself. For years I’ve been dealing with depression, PTSD, and so much more. Before the last year ended my wife left me to be with her boss and didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. Everything spun out of control and I wanted to kill myself. It just felt right. I am happy to say that I didn’t get to complete that. If you couldn’t tell.

This past March, though, something started to build up inside of me. With my depression coming into control and my whole life changing, my point of view on certain things changed as well. One of my best friends now, Monique, has been talking to me a lot about it and this subject keeps building and building. It has done nothing but confused me and it has been tearing me apart due to my wife leaving and my struggles within myself.

I’ve been thinking about going back into my faith, the Mormon church. I know that a lot of people are absolutely shocked by this. And I honestly don’t blame you. I’m still not sure how I feel on anything about this and I haven’t taken that many steps forward with it. I’m so beyond confused by my thoughts and feelings towards this. I’m scared.

I know a lot of people are going to contact me right away and say I’m doing this because of my wife. No, no I am not. The reason why I hid for so long was to make sure that I wasn’t doing this for her. However, the more the months went by I realized I’m not. Would I love for her to come back to me? Of course. But not for the church, not the boys, not because she is told to do it, but because she loves me. However, she tells me her and her boyfriend hate me, so yeah….

Call me confused, because I am, but I have to walk this path. I have to know. And I know many of you won’t like this, but I see myself moving forward with it. In fact, I really do encourage anyone to have a one-on-one talk with me to go over anything they want to say to me. I will welcome it.

There is something that will never change, and that is me. I won’t stop liking the music, movies, and people in my life. I will still love the band Ghost. I will still love my friends Jim, Mark, Chad and so many more people. We all share the same Earth. And all the people in my life I love no matter what.

Marrying Religion

For some people religion is the world to them, it is how they view it and interact with everything around them. Others, well, they can view it as nothing more than fairy tales written by people who didn’t understand basic things in life. Regardless of which side you fall under it is safe to say that you have a friend who has some form of religious background and holds it dear to them.  We tend to already know what the person is going to be like the second they tell us what religion they are.

For myself, I am not a religious person at all, but the person I love is in tune with hers. I guess the question that is rattling in my mind is can you have a healthy relationship when you both are on other sides of the spectrum? There are dating sites dedicated for just the person’s religion alone because people are afraid of this topic. However, we tend to forget people can change as well.

I tried hard to be a part of the religion that my wife held dear to her heart. I did all the steps that was required and took part in everything. It was a lie though. There is one thing you should never do no matter how bad you think it will help them, but lying in your marriage will destroy it no matter what. I didn’t care for it at all and I soon started to become afraid it would tear us apart. My depression didn’t help either, but the overall hate I started to build up for her faith wasn’t healthy.

I started to disrespect her religion and whether people want to think it or not that was belittling her as well. For myself I didn’t care what happened to me in this life or if there was something beyond this, I wanted to be with her. That was how I viewed it, but my religion didn’t come with rituals or anything you should be against. I just loved my wife. Hers did though. She said later on she didn’t care if I was a part of it or not, but I can never be sure on that.

Some would tell me to really sit down and pray about it. I know I shouldn’t make a joke on a serious topic, but when you use the same strategy of having faith that I use on my kids about believing in Santa Clause you aren’t going to get far in it.

But can you really have a healthy relationship with someone who thinks the exact opposite in terms of a God or heaven? Yes, I believe in that. It does depend on the religion though. I would get into arguments on both sides with this, but I really believe this. For me, I can’t imagine a God that everyone says is all knowing and loving that wouldn’t see the love I had for my family regardless of my state of mind or rather I believed in “it” or not.

Marcus Aurelius said it best,

Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. I am not afraid.”

This all depends on the country you live in though. Secular nations are more opened to the idea of being liberal with their beliefs, but there are those that take them seriously to the point where they won’t talk to you or may even kill you because of it. If that is the case though you have bigger issues to worry about.

I should have been honest with her from the start. She wasn’t a hateful person and I never considered her dumb for having a belief in a higher power. However, my actions made it look like I did. It was one of the many wrenches that was thrown into the cog of our marriage.

Minds can be changed and our way of life can be altered based on our surroundings. I should have just supported her more in it. I made this mistake with her, but I won’t do that with my children. They know my stance on this, but they also know I support any decision they make. I could care less what leap of faith they take. I just want them to know that I’m there for them for their ups and downs no matter what. They try to get me to believe in it with them and I kindly turn it down, but at the end of the day we tell each other how much we love one another.

Isn’t that what is comes down to? I loved her so much and all I had to do was just support her as a husband should, as anyone should when they want to support their loved ones. Yes, you can still have arguments or disagreements in this situation, but that doesn’t mean the love has to fade. In the end though I should be respectful because I’m human, not because someone I love is religious. It is too short a life to fill myself with hate anymore.