I Want To Feel Love From Another Person For Once

Last night, when I was putting my kids in their beds, I kissed each one of them and told them I loved them. My oldest son was still awake and looked at me asking me why I did that every night when they were with me. I told him the last thing I wanted between us was a kiss and telling them how much I loved them. That is something I did with my ex-wife as well. Regardless of how angry I was at her I would always kiss her and tell her I loved her.

When I went downstairs to relax it dawned on me that my ex-wife had actually asked me that question years back. She was dropping me off at work and I was late. However, I turned around real fast and told her to wait. I kissed the boys and I kissed her telling them I loved them. She was annoyed by this and asked me why I did it every single day. I told her the reason and all she said was, “Oh.” I didn’t know it at the time but that should have been a clear sign for me. She didn’t feel the same way about me.

She had told me she gave up on everything before our second child was born.  I had two more kids with this woman when she didn’t even care about me. I think throughout most of our marriage she didn’t actually love me. Because there is more to love than just liking the person during the good times. There will always be bad times in any relationship as well.

My ex was never a model house wife or mother. However, regardless of all her flaws I loved every inch of her and never imagined being with anyone but her. She left me for her boss after being with him for only a month and has put him above me as the father of my children. Even now after all the terrible things she has done if any woman got between her and my kids she would be gone in a heartbeat. However, this man has used my kids as weapons and even texted me saying that my kids love him and they don’t even miss me. Even threatening my family and myself if we told her. She just defended him. She may have fell out of love with me in a matter of a few years and put on this appearance because she felt stuck with this mistake of a person that she believes that I am.

I want someone to look at me when I’m doing great, bad, annoying, gross and when they say they love me I can feel it. I’m 33 years old and no one has truly loved me. I have family and friends of course, but a person that wants to be my wife. When I thought about that last night I was sad. I know I still love my ex, but that image of her, the thing in my head didn’t love me. Even now when some people are trying to hit on me I won’t do anything because we are still technically married and even if it never meant anything to her it means something to me.

My Worst Year, But A Hopeful Future

I guess 2017 may go down as the worst year possible for me. Yeah, there are plenty of good things that happened over the months, but overall I lost the love of my life. My wife at the time wanted a separation to help our marriage get back together. However, I knew something didn’t seem right and others in both our families had the same hunch. When I found out she was cheating on me with her boss and I can’t say I was surprised. I found all the evidence I needed and she honestly didn’t care at all about it and continued to lie to me until it just came out. It was a stab in the heart and a pain I know that will remain there forever. She has become hateful and bitter towards me. It is weird how only a year ago we told each other how much we loved each other and now she left me for another man. She now hates every bit of me as a person.

I found out the man she left me for has had a lot of addiction problems with drugs, alcohol and who knows what else. He has been divorced twice and had just ended his second when he met her. He also has charges on sexual assaulting someone and made threats towards my parents drunk. When I brought these things up to her she said I was just attacking his character. That I was jealous. No, I didn’t want this man near my children. However, she said to be with me was just settling and he was a better man than me. This man has texted me threats, told me my kids love him and don’t even miss me, and she thinks it is no big deal. For better for worse was not an option anymore.

A lot happened during those months though that I can say are a positive. I’ve gotten healthy and started to work out a lot to keep my body in shape to where I want it. I suffered through the last five years because of PTSD. It left me a hollow husk of my former self and I’m still sorry for so many friends and family members that had to witness that. I was toxic and no one deserved to be around that. Now, I can safely say that person is gone forever and I can move forward knowing that I’m a better person. My ex would tell me it was because of her, but it actually wasn’t. I did this on my own and I wanted her to be a part of it, but she hated me so much by then. I honestly can’t put the full blame on her. Yes, she pulled the trigger on the gun when she cheated on me, that is her fault even if she won’t admit it, but I did put the gun in her hands.

I have found God again, somehow. He was hiding behind my curtains. It is funny because one of the reasons why my ex hated me was because I left the church and I somehow found my way back. She doesn’t believe it and she never will, which is fine. Her and her boyfriend have even mocked me about it. I know many of my friends are cringing at the idea of me going back to church. No, they’ll say. Tony, please come back for science and reason! Well, that hasn’t left me either. I can safely say that I am right in the middle of where I want to be with this. Reason will always be my friend, but the spirit of something beyond me is inside of me as well. This balance has brought a lot of peace inside of me. I’m going to embrace it, but keep it within myself. I don’t want to judge people or try to act like I’m better than anyone. I think everyone should find something like this. It doesn’t have to be religion, but every one of us deserves to be happy.

Someone said to me,

“Ok. Honestly this may sound bad, but it doesn’t sound like she wanted a separation to try to fix things with you. She wanted a separation so she could do what she wanted to do. I don’t care what you did Tony! You were struggling with a mental illness. And she wasn’t going to support you through it. Instead she chose to feed her needs elsewhere with someone else. Someone that cares for you wouldn’t do that!

You can hate me for saying this, but she is being extremely selfish. Do you really want to take someone like that back?? Even if she did agree to change. She would still be her. Do you have enough love and respect for yourself to put your foot down and say you deserve better? I’m not saying you need to turn her away now. Go ahead and give her until the end of the year if you must. But what if it turns out this guy chases her away before then and she comes crawling back to you just because you’re all she has?”

I know she isn’t coming back. She has told me how much she doesn’t love me or even wants to look at me. There is some truth to what this person said to me, when I realized it is time to let her go. However, I don’t feel there really is a villain in this. She stuck by a man for years who had become toxic from his mental illness. We all want to say we would do the right thing when the time comes up, but we are all human. We all have a breaking point and we all will make mistakes. I never believe we aren’t capable of cheating, but I also believe we are capable of always changing for the better. However, some things are just character flaws as well that we can’t control.

I will always love my ex. I considered her my soulmate and I sadly still do. People would call me dumb, but I would gladly have a second chance with her to make things right. This isn’t the case though. She has clearly told me how much she dislikes me and how being with me isn’t even worth that second chance. Is it sad? Well, duh, of course it is. However, I can’t force another person to be with me, that would be wrong.

People will call me a liar and that I’m trying to get sympathy. No, I’m telling my side of the story. As I have said, I have evidence and I have brought up to her only to have her lie to me again and again. When she finally realized she was caught for good she didn’t care and instead told me how much she hated me.

Overall, I can say that I am happy with who I am as a person. Yes, I will be forever heartbroken. I won’t fully blame her, I had plenty of fault in our mistakes. She dealt with a selfish asshole for years who was to weak to get help. However, she may never admit her many mistakes and never seek the help that she needs. It truly makes me sad that it had to come to this. I really wanted our family to stay whole and for us to work out our problems, even after I found out she was cheating on me. Sadly, this chapter of my life will close and I’ll look back on it with regret, but learn from it all at the same time.

I wanted to use this blog for healing what I was going through this year. I believe that job is now complete. I have my three boys that love me so much and I would do anything for them. Thank you for reading and I wish you all the best of luck in the future.