I’ve gone back and forth on this question this past year. I’ve wanted it more than anything and the next day I would do whatever it took to stop it. Now, with knowledge on what is happening around me, my wife wanting to leave me and the experiences of others I’ve finally seen the answer. That answer is maybe? Yeah, okay that isn’t really a good answer, but I can see more on why so many second and third marriages failed.
First, let me say that sometimes it is very much needed regardless of how you feel about religion. I’ve heard a lot of people throw that card at me because they believe the bond of marriage should never be broken. However, when I hear from friends who had partners that would be serial cheaters, drug users and physically abusive to them to the point of wanting to kill themselves it is sometimes needed. But it seems to be the go to solution to simple fixes in life.
My wife and I started to have problems when I got out of the military and depression started to kick in. I have PTSD and it was quite the struggle for me to even come to realize it. I had also started to heavily lose my faith in God. I wasn’t angry at him or at the church, but just didn’t believe there was any use to it. I will dabble more on my lack of belief, science and finding my faith again on another post, but let’s focus on this instead. I believe the biggest thing that hurts marriages is lack of communication, lack of understanding your partner’s feelings and never truly solving the issue, but instead running from it.
My anger this year in dealing with my wife abandoning me and being in a place with no real support from the start made me a bitter and resentful person. I wanted to to be an asshole to her and I hated myself because I loved her that much. It is weird how the people we love more than anything in the world are the best at hurting us. She was bitter towards me and my lack of faith in the church didn’t help in that because I would mock it sometimes.
She likes to say she forgives me, but I don’t think she does. She is still hostile over what I have done over the years with it. She has good reason to be fuming on that issue. She would refuse to talk about our issues and wanted to do everything she could to not talk about it and move on with another person. I had thought about that as well, but deep in my heart I always just imagined her with me. This might not be the case with her, but I want to try to see if we are truly meant to be together.
We are Mormon. In the church the temple is all about keeping families together and for the couple to be eternally married. I believe in that. Now, my biggest issue for the past five years has been communicating my feelings. I did everything I could to avoid it and I believe that is the biggest issue for most marriages.
Maynard from Tool says in their popular song Schism:
I know the pieces fit ’cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lover’s souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication
Yes, we always seem to lose our communication. We take our issues to another person instead of fixing something easy. I’ve read so many studies and talked to people that said they wished they would have fixed their first marriage. How they regretted everything that had happened and knew now what they needed to do. However, if you don’t try while the wound is still fresh the chances of fixing it later on can sometimes never happen.
As I’ve said before, yeah, sometimes divorce is needed more than anything. But if you look at how most second and third marriages are doomed before they even start that should tell us something. We love to run from our issues instead of facing them. We are human. We make mistakes, but we also know how to make ourselves stronger through our mistakes. The Mormon faith believe marriage is an eternity. After this life it continues in the next. There is a reason why they don’t want people to divorce if they truly believe it can be fixed. If you can’t handle a few bad years and heal your differences, are you really ready for an eternity with anyone?