I Hate Being Asked If I’m Okay

I’ve been getting that more and more lately. I have a few friends that I can only talk to online and I get a call from one of them asking if something bad had happened to me. It was just a busy week and I’ve slowly been walking away from electronics as the year goes on. They thought something terrible had happened to me or I did something terrible to myself. My year hasn’t always been on the up, so I guess I could understand it. However, people have been asking it more lately.

It might be because I’m not wallowing in my depression anymore, but instead I’m actually happy. Yes, there is still a great deal of sadness that I carry, but it isn’t hurting me as much anymore. I’m happy with myself, I love being with my kids and yes I enjoy my own company being by myself. People are scared for me and I get that. They care and that is nice. It can get annoying though always being asked if I’m going to “make it.”

The divorce is the hardest part of all of this. I’m still very much in love with my ex and us having three kids makes it really tough. I still imagine her lying next to me, I remember the touch of her lips, the way she smells, and I’m actually annoyed she is putting on more makeup because I can’t see her freckles when I see her. I really liked them. Being in love with this person and her not feeling the same way is a bummer. I wanted to try the “friend” thing, but I can’t do it. I honestly hope her or anyone else never feels this way with another person. I’d honestly rather rip my shoulder apart again.

Yes, I’m sad that I don’t get to see my kids all the time, be with the woman I love and my grandfather could pass away any day due to cancer. Weirdly enough I’m still happy though. But what is really strange is just this time last year I was miserable and I had everything I could have ever hoped for in my life now. This is a lesson for me in life to not take things for granted and when something good is with me I should try to have it with me as long as I can and value it.

Here’s a bonus for you all

Letters From The Dead

The past few weeks a lot has happened to me and I honestly couldn’t explain half of it. The one thing I have taken from it is that we will all die one day. Yeah, I know I’m not speaking any new knowledge here, but we are all going to die. However, with the recent health of my grandfather and knowing that with my family and friends I may never get a real chance to say goodbye to them I felt something needed to be done. The thought is scary not because I’ll die, but they won’t know my true feelings for them.

I’m currently in the process of writing a letter to everyone that has held a place in my heart. When I first sat down to write everything I needed to make the list of people I wanted to send this to. At first I thought the list would be short and I was a little taken back on how many people I wanted to write this for. Did they feel the same way about me? Would they even care that I did this with them on my mind? The weird thing is I’ll never really know.

The first three letters were of course for my children. When I started to write them out I made it seem I was talking to them like it was an everyday thing, but I realized later that when they read this I won’t be there. It won’t be like every day. It will be one of the worst days of their lives. I don’t want to seem all doom and gloom, but at the same I need to make sure that every word I put down is valuable to them.

The next were for my parents. I know that if they had to read this it would break their hearts because what parent would ever want to read the last thoughts their child had? I could never even fathom it, but it needs to be said. We like to think the bad things that happen to us when we were younger were our parents fault, but when you become a parent you realize more every day that life sometimes gives you a crappy hand.

After that I knew I needed to say something to my ex-wife and her mother. Spending twelve years together and going through such a terrible divorce really turned my life upside down with both of them. I still loved them so much and still to this day I don’t want to get the divorce, but I know it is going to happen no matter what. It is possible they won’t care what I have to say, but what I put down brought me some ease.

After family came friends and I still have so much more to do. I think I’ll be writing at least fifteen of these this month and updating them as I go on. It is nice to see how I feel about a person. Each one has given me ups and downs. They have molded the person that I am and I have to be grateful for that because I like the person that I am.

Is Divorce The Best Choice?

I’ve gone back and forth on this question this past year. I’ve wanted it more than anything and the next day I would do whatever it took to stop it. Now, with knowledge on what is happening around me, my wife wanting to leave me and the experiences of others I’ve finally seen the answer. That answer is maybe? Yeah, okay that isn’t really a good answer, but I can see more on why so many second and third marriages failed.

First, let me say that sometimes it is very much needed regardless of how you feel about religion. I’ve heard a lot of people throw that card at me because they believe the bond of marriage should never be broken. However, when I hear from friends who had partners that would be serial cheaters, drug users and physically abusive to them to the point of wanting to kill themselves it is sometimes needed. But it seems to be the go to solution to simple fixes in life.

My wife and I started to have problems when I got out of the military and depression started to kick in. I have PTSD and it was quite the struggle for me to even come to realize it. I had also started to heavily lose my faith in God. I wasn’t angry at him or at the church, but just didn’t believe there was any use to it. I will dabble more on my lack of belief, science and finding my faith again on another post, but let’s focus on this instead. I believe the biggest thing that hurts marriages is lack of communication, lack of understanding your partner’s feelings and never truly solving the issue, but instead running from it.

My anger this year in dealing with my wife abandoning me and being in a place with no real support from the start made me a bitter and resentful person. I wanted to to be an asshole to her and I hated myself because I loved her that much. It is weird how the people we love more than anything in the world are the best at hurting us. She was bitter towards me and my lack of faith in the church didn’t help in that because I would mock it sometimes.

She likes to say she forgives me, but I don’t think she does. She is still hostile over what I have done over the years with it. She has good reason to be fuming on that issue. She would refuse to talk about our issues and wanted to do everything she could to not talk about it and move on with another person. I had thought about that as well, but deep in my heart I always just imagined her with me. This might not be the case with her, but I want to try to see if we are truly meant to be together.

We are Mormon. In the church the temple is all about keeping families together and for the couple to be eternally married. I believe in that. Now, my biggest issue for the past five years has been communicating my feelings. I did everything I could to avoid it and I believe that is the biggest issue for most marriages.

Maynard from Tool says in their popular song Schism:

I know the pieces fit ’cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lover’s souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication

The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication
Yes, we always seem to lose our communication. We take our issues to another person instead of fixing something easy. I’ve read so many studies and talked to people that said they wished they would have fixed their first marriage. How they regretted everything that had happened and knew now what they needed to do. However, if you don’t try while the wound is still fresh the chances of fixing it later on can sometimes never happen.

As I’ve said before, yeah, sometimes divorce is needed more than anything. But if you look at how most second and third marriages are doomed before they even start that should tell us something. We love to run from our issues instead of facing them. We are human. We make mistakes, but we also know how to make ourselves stronger through our mistakes. The Mormon faith believe marriage is an eternity. After this life it continues in the next. There is a reason why they don’t want people to divorce if they truly believe it can be fixed. If you can’t handle a few bad years and heal your differences, are you really ready for an eternity with anyone?

Should I Even Hope?

Hope is an optimistic attitude of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one’s life or the world at large.

Recently a door has somewhat opened in my life. I’m not sure how or why the door has opened for me, but this is something I had hoped for a long time ago. That word hope, it didn’t mean a thing to me in a long time. I had been such a cynical asshole for years due to a series of events that happened in my life, but now, hope is a pleasant thing I can look into.

My new outlook has nothing to do with my newfound faith in God. No, I’ve seen people with high hopes who believe in or not in a God. I had lost hope after burning myself out and losing connection to the ones I loved so much around me. Because of this I slowly started to bury myself with every negative aspect of my life creating my own grave.

I wondered if I believed that putting too much faith in hope would just disappoint me because I thought nothing of myself as a disappointment. I assumed that if I expected the worse and when it happened there was nothing to be upset about it. To put so many negative thoughts into the things around me and on myself did nothing but make the people I love hate to be around me.

Before I would have just prepared for the worst, but not this time. Yeah, the worst can happen and I shouldn’t just put all my hope into this. However, I do need some hope in my life. I want this door to be open and I want to create the best life I can through it. Having hope helps me to see the good in the world, the good in others, the good within my family and peace in my soul.

That Dragon, Cancer Helped Me Deal With My Grief

That Dragon, Cancer is an indie video game developed by a mother and father who lost their child to cancer. Lately, video games haven’t been my thing, but I decided if I was going to play I was going to go towards more story driven games. While the game had its bugs and annoying mechanics the story is something that can knock you back on your feet especially if you have children of your own.

I remember when I was told I might have a tumor in my head. I was alone when I was told that and had no support around me to deal with it. The doctor was cold and blunt, telling me we will see for sure after some tests next week. When I went home I was emotionless. It didn’t help I was already like that due to my PTSD, but this made me fall apart a little. I didn’t pray to God or try to reach out to anyone really. When I look back at that and think of my situation now I wonder if my ex-wife would have wanted me to just die. Either way, I was somewhat okay if I died because it would be something I can’t control.

However, if it were my kids I would have prayed to every single God imaginable. I would have given my life and pleaded for anything to be done. Having to watch this family lose their child, even in a pixelated format, broke my heart from start to finish. It reminded me of The Last of Us when Joel was holding his dying daughter at the start. Well, extend that part for about an hour and you get That Dragon, Cancer.

This game helped me grieve even more than I thought I needed. You have to let go of somethings that are out of your control. They had to let go of their son and hope they would see them again, but you could hear the doubt in the father’s voice, which is understandable. I had to let go of someone I loved more than anyone. When I found out she wanted to leave and thought nothing of me as a cancer it broke me. I remember telling her I would love her forever and her saying it back to me, but now, she saw me as nothing but a disease.

The weird thing is I’m not even angry about it anymore. I’m sad, yes, but I knew I had to stop chasing someone that thought the worst of me even after I had changed so much. But my kids are so hurt by this. When I have to hold one of my kids because he is crying saying he may never see me again because of the divorce it breaks my heart. I know where he is getting those ideas. I reassure him that everything would be fine and we both loved his brothers and him. I don’t know what the future holds though. I hate making promises to them that I’m not sure I can keep.

They are the cure for everything that is bad in my life. I love it when I see them when it is my turn to have them. My youngest will laugh with me as we go around the house cleaning and playing games together. My middle child will tell me how much he loves me and how he misses me every day. I stay up late with my oldest as we talk about what he wants to be when he grows up.

I don’t want them to grow up. I can play these moments in my head for an eternity and never get sick of them. I know that when each day passes they are closer to starting their own lives and while I will be beyond proud of that day I also know it will be one of the saddest in my life. I don’t get to see them as much because I failed to keep our family together. That is a burden I will keep with me. It will not define me, but it will mostly certainly help me to grow.

I didn’t think I had any more grief to go over, but this game made it pour out of me and help me heal even more from it. As I said, as a game it is a bit annoying and not something I would want to play again, but the story alone is something so heartwarming and crushingly sad that I would suggest anyone to play it at least once.

I Want To Feel Love From Another Person For Once

Last night, when I was putting my kids in their beds, I kissed each one of them and told them I loved them. My oldest son was still awake and looked at me asking me why I did that every night when they were with me. I told him the last thing I wanted between us was a kiss and telling them how much I loved them. That is something I did with my ex-wife as well. Regardless of how angry I was at her I would always kiss her and tell her I loved her.

When I went downstairs to relax it dawned on me that my ex-wife had actually asked me that question years back. She was dropping me off at work and I was late. However, I turned around real fast and told her to wait. I kissed the boys and I kissed her telling them I loved them. She was annoyed by this and asked me why I did it every single day. I told her the reason and all she said was, “Oh.” I didn’t know it at the time but that should have been a clear sign for me. She didn’t feel the same way about me.

She had told me she gave up on everything before our second child was born.  I had two more kids with this woman when she didn’t even care about me. I think throughout most of our marriage she didn’t actually love me. Because there is more to love than just liking the person during the good times. There will always be bad times in any relationship as well.

My ex was never a model house wife or mother. However, regardless of all her flaws I loved every inch of her and never imagined being with anyone but her. She left me for her boss after being with him for only a month and has put him above me as the father of my children. Even now after all the terrible things she has done if any woman got between her and my kids she would be gone in a heartbeat. However, this man has used my kids as weapons and even texted me saying that my kids love him and they don’t even miss me. Even threatening my family and myself if we told her. She just defended him. She may have fell out of love with me in a matter of a few years and put on this appearance because she felt stuck with this mistake of a person that she believes that I am.

I want someone to look at me when I’m doing great, bad, annoying, gross and when they say they love me I can feel it. I’m 33 years old and no one has truly loved me. I have family and friends of course, but a person that wants to be my wife. When I thought about that last night I was sad. I know I still love my ex, but that image of her, the thing in my head didn’t love me. Even now when some people are trying to hit on me I won’t do anything because we are still technically married and even if it never meant anything to her it means something to me.

Meeting The New Me

If you have followed my blog, you’ll know that I have PTSD/depression. I had it for years and now that I’ve finally learned how to control it I’ve hit a brick wall in my healing. When I started to really focus and understand my surroundings it was like waking from a coma. I’m currently going through an unwanted divorce when my wife left me, but my kids and I have a stellar bond together. However, the one issue I have now is I don’t know who I am anymore.

Honestly, I sometimes look at a stranger in the mirror and it isn’t actually bad. I’ve lost fifty pounds this year and I like the person I’m becoming, but the things I enjoyed before aren’t really satisfying. I used video games as a way to hide myself from my issues and it became an even bigger problem that went out of control. Now, I hardly play them at all and if I do it is more of a social thing with friends. I lost my vice, the thing I would run to for everything is no longer here. It is scary and exciting all at the same time.

There are some hobbies that I’ve gone back to that I loved before. Guitar would be the main one along with basketball as well. There are other hobbies I could dive back into, but I feel like there is something in me that is missing. Or maybe it isn’t missing? Maybe I need to find something new? There are so many things I can do right now and learn from that I can explore. And I can’t lie when I say that does scare me, but who knows, maybe it can help me grow even more.

I’ve decided to start looking into any type of hobbies or adventures I can take for myself and with my kids. I’ll more than likely do it for a while and record my experiences with it. It could be as small as trying to get into watching a sport on TV to rock climbing. Who knows what I’ll find within myself by doing these things.