That is a question I’ve been getting a lot these past few months now. Are you really happy? I honestly think that question itself is so damn complex sometimes. I think about it long and hard now when someone asks me. Before the go to response was always yes. I wasn’t for a long time, but I didn’t want to bother people with my issues and it is such a simple answer to a simple question.
When my wife left me for another man, I had a weird mix of emotions. Anger, betrayal, doubt and so many others things clouded my head, but in that was happiness. I had known from the start it was heading that way before she announced she wanted a divorce and to finally just see it in front of me felt like a sigh of relief. We can find what we call happiness in a lot places.
We all look at things differently and get our pleasure from different aspects of life. One thing you find disgusting or childish I could find enjoyable and vice versa. We crave happiness. We do everything we can to try to grab it and we never want to let it go. But I realized happiness, again, is complicated. Just because something feels good or you feel you are doing the right thing doesn’t mean you are actually happy. We are told you need this or that to be happy, but aren’t we all different? People assume what will make us happy before evening asking us who we are.
I’ve decided to stop chasing happiness. I decided to just be. I chased it for so long and when I grabbed it I realized the “happiness” I wanted wasn’t real. I sacrificed what my true happiness was because of it. The worst feeling of all is I thought someone loved me and it turned out they didn’t. They thought the worst of me and might not have actually loved me at all. I thought I wanted to make everyone believe I was happy. However, I just need to be me. I need to stop chasing and just be.
A brand new door just opened in my life. It was never there before and now I have to stare at it wondering what I want to do next. A year ago I wouldn’t open it. I would pretend it wasn’t there. Now I’m more confident. I want to run through it, but will I find my happiness in it? Will it hurt me by giving me a life lesson? I don’t know, but why just stare at a door when the whole purpose of it is for it be opened?