I’ve gone through a lot since January. I started my year off with trying to kill myself. For years I’ve been dealing with depression, PTSD, and so much more. Before the last year ended my wife left me to be with her boss and didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. Everything spun out of control and I wanted to kill myself. It just felt right. I am happy to say that I didn’t get to complete that. If you couldn’t tell.
This past March, though, something started to build up inside of me. With my depression coming into control and my whole life changing, my point of view on certain things changed as well. One of my best friends now, Monique, has been talking to me a lot about it and this subject keeps building and building. It has done nothing but confused me and it has been tearing me apart due to my wife leaving and my struggles within myself.
I’ve been thinking about going back into my faith, the Mormon church. I know that a lot of people are absolutely shocked by this. And I honestly don’t blame you. I’m still not sure how I feel on anything about this and I haven’t taken that many steps forward with it. I’m so beyond confused by my thoughts and feelings towards this. I’m scared.
I know a lot of people are going to contact me right away and say I’m doing this because of my wife. No, no I am not. The reason why I hid for so long was to make sure that I wasn’t doing this for her. However, the more the months went by I realized I’m not. Would I love for her to come back to me? Of course. But not for the church, not the boys, not because she is told to do it, but because she loves me. However, she tells me her and her boyfriend hate me, so yeah….
Call me confused, because I am, but I have to walk this path. I have to know. And I know many of you won’t like this, but I see myself moving forward with it. In fact, I really do encourage anyone to have a one-on-one talk with me to go over anything they want to say to me. I will welcome it.
There is something that will never change, and that is me. I won’t stop liking the music, movies, and people in my life. I will still love the band Ghost. I will still love my friends Jim, Mark, Chad and so many more people. We all share the same Earth. And all the people in my life I love no matter what.