A lot has happened this past week. My time in Nevada, while short, was nothing but enjoyable. Seeing Corey and Riley being excited in a new environment was nothing surprising, but to actually see Brody taking a liking to Jim and Alyssa was shocking. The kids thought their movie room, where they have a popcorn machine, was the coolest thing ever. Then they decided to ask me to build one at our house. That might be possible, but not for a while.
Being back in California right now is stirring up memories I’m not sure I was ready to face. Many of them used to be happy memories. However, now that my wife had left me they just confuse me. There is a lot of anger and sadness in me right now. It is hard to shake it away and to try to focus on what is in front of me. It is nice to enjoy myself with my brother in-law or mother in-law with no real tension. Yes, soon they won’t be “family” but it is always nice to know they will still view me that way even if I won’t hold the title anymore.
Back to memories though, they are a bizarre thing. Walking through different houses, looking at pictures, or just places around town can stir up different emotions depending on what events are happening in your life. For myself, it is just confusion. I’m not sure what to think or feel right now. Am I just in shock? Yeah, possible due to knowing all the hope I’ve held in me is just something I was lying to myself about.
I think I’m in a state of limbo right now. I don’t want to go back to being depressed and feeling sorry for myself. However, at the same time I’m not sure I want to move forward with my plans either. I’m sure it is because I’m scared to fail. This will be my last time coming back to California and looking at my old life for a long time. When I come back I’ll be a completely different person. People may never recognize me. Depending on the person that may be a good or bad thing, who knows.
I do know that I have to do this. The next three years will be nothing but sacrificing so much of myself. It will be painful and it will be something that I may want to give up on daily, but overall, it will be worth it.
I had recently talked about how I wanted to change my life for the better, but there was something I wanted to wait on before it could happen. My vacation. I needed this more than anything. Being able to just relax with friends and family while also having my kids preoccupied along with no worries of work will help me actually think. Think of what, you say? Well, I’m not sure yet. I’m hoping to use the next couple of weeks to plan out the next few years to help get my life on track.
Our first day of our grand adventure had us heading over to Elko, Nevada to see my friends Jim and his wife Alyssa. The car ride over was a lot better than I expected. I was waiting to hear constant fighting and complaining about bathroom breaks or being hungry. Instead, the boys slept the majority of it while I played some Ghost to help keep me up. I decided to wake them up along the way to check out the Salt Lake. They assumed it was snowing and they didn’t believe me when I said the Salt Lake was actually made of salt. Oh, and I added it was over 100 degrees outside.
When we arrived at Jim’s place the kids were a bit shy, but that ended pretty quick when they saw all the nerf guns and their dog Lucy. We were later treated to a nice dinner, which my kids hardly ate because they would have rather ran around screaming and hitting each other. I let Corey try a sip of my wine because he kept talking about it for ten minutes. Let’s just say that he won’t being trying it again after I let him take a sip. I got a free dinner with some scotch and a cigar for dessert! The kids decided at the last minute that Lucky Charms would be better, so maybe it isn’t because I suck at cooking.
Overall, it was a nice night. I haven’t hung around anyone my age in quite some time and being able to just be myself is something I needed. I won’t be back in Utah for the next couple of weeks and I don’t have set plans for anything yet. As I’ve said, I want to use this time to reflect. Having the kids with their grandparents and not working late at night is going to keep my head from clouding. I still don’t know what I want in my life. I may be having a mid life crisis right now or maybe now I can see my options and I need to take a closer look at each decision I could possibly make. I’m going to record my trip as I go on and figure out what “it” is that I want.
That feature picture is so terrible by the way, but it was the best one I could take with them since those three can never sit still for two seconds together.