How I Should Have Handled My Divorce

Now, if you are here to get some pointers on how to get back with your ex I’m sorry to say that isn’t what I’m going to talk about. This is more on how to deal with your divorce to help yourself and those around you. I’ve read a few blogs and articles on how to deal with it and what to do, but I can honestly say none of them really helped me out.

 

It’s Okay To Be Angry, But…

Whether you wanted the divorce or not you are going to be angry. I sure as hell was and when I realized there was nothing I could do to stop it that anger just built up. Being angry can be a good thing and bottling it up could make it worse, but the one thing you don’t want to be is destructive. I started destroying personal pictures of my ex-wife and I that I could never get back. Yeah, it felt good doing it at that second, but once I calmed down I Just felt stupid. I finally put together everything that I loved about her, put it in a box and put it somewhere where I couldn’t do any harm to it. You should honestly do the same thing. Good memories are good memories even if you see a ton of bad coming your way.

 

If You Have Kids

If you don’t you are lucky then. Well, sort of? My kids mean everything to me and for them to go through this and for my ex and I to have to split our time with them is a bit hard on all of us. Regardless of what happens between you and your spouse the one thing you should be there for is your children. This is going to hurt your kids enough, so don’t use them, don’t take it out on them because no matter what you are still both their parents.

 

Remember You Both Loved Each Other At One Point

Regardless of how it got here try to make the divorce as painless as possible. People seem to get the idea of “screwing over” the other person because they were hurt in some way. It would just be best to make things fair for both of you, so you can move on with your lives. Unless they did something illegal or tried to physically harm you there isn’t any reason why you should just try not to move on happily.

 

Trying To Be Friends Can Sometimes Work

I know a few people that are really good friends with their ex and they somehow get everything to work out. I would suggest this because it could bring you peace of mind for your sake and if you have kids even better. However, sometimes it might not work out, like with me. I am still madly in love with my ex. I was with her for close to fifteen years and had three kids with her. When I found out she fell out of love with me years ago, that the sex was just sex and that she was already moving on to another man I was heartbroken. I sadly can’t be her friend and I would suggest you do the same if you are still in love with your ex. I’m not talking we will always love each other stuff. If you still want to be with them and they don’t want to be with you, you should keep your distance.

Honestly, in most cases you are going to break some of these. Try to do the best you can to bring the damage of this to a minimum. Breathe. Think things over and remember this isn’t the end. You will move on and you can be happy again.

Is Divorce The Best Choice?

I’ve gone back and forth on this question this past year. I’ve wanted it more than anything and the next day I would do whatever it took to stop it. Now, with knowledge on what is happening around me, my wife wanting to leave me and the experiences of others I’ve finally seen the answer. That answer is maybe? Yeah, okay that isn’t really a good answer, but I can see more on why so many second and third marriages failed.

First, let me say that sometimes it is very much needed regardless of how you feel about religion. I’ve heard a lot of people throw that card at me because they believe the bond of marriage should never be broken. However, when I hear from friends who had partners that would be serial cheaters, drug users and physically abusive to them to the point of wanting to kill themselves it is sometimes needed. But it seems to be the go to solution to simple fixes in life.

My wife and I started to have problems when I got out of the military and depression started to kick in. I have PTSD and it was quite the struggle for me to even come to realize it. I had also started to heavily lose my faith in God. I wasn’t angry at him or at the church, but just didn’t believe there was any use to it. I will dabble more on my lack of belief, science and finding my faith again on another post, but let’s focus on this instead. I believe the biggest thing that hurts marriages is lack of communication, lack of understanding your partner’s feelings and never truly solving the issue, but instead running from it.

My anger this year in dealing with my wife abandoning me and being in a place with no real support from the start made me a bitter and resentful person. I wanted to to be an asshole to her and I hated myself because I loved her that much. It is weird how the people we love more than anything in the world are the best at hurting us. She was bitter towards me and my lack of faith in the church didn’t help in that because I would mock it sometimes.

She likes to say she forgives me, but I don’t think she does. She is still hostile over what I have done over the years with it. She has good reason to be fuming on that issue. She would refuse to talk about our issues and wanted to do everything she could to not talk about it and move on with another person. I had thought about that as well, but deep in my heart I always just imagined her with me. This might not be the case with her, but I want to try to see if we are truly meant to be together.

We are Mormon. In the church the temple is all about keeping families together and for the couple to be eternally married. I believe in that. Now, my biggest issue for the past five years has been communicating my feelings. I did everything I could to avoid it and I believe that is the biggest issue for most marriages.

Maynard from Tool says in their popular song Schism:

I know the pieces fit ’cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lover’s souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication

The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication
Yes, we always seem to lose our communication. We take our issues to another person instead of fixing something easy. I’ve read so many studies and talked to people that said they wished they would have fixed their first marriage. How they regretted everything that had happened and knew now what they needed to do. However, if you don’t try while the wound is still fresh the chances of fixing it later on can sometimes never happen.

As I’ve said before, yeah, sometimes divorce is needed more than anything. But if you look at how most second and third marriages are doomed before they even start that should tell us something. We love to run from our issues instead of facing them. We are human. We make mistakes, but we also know how to make ourselves stronger through our mistakes. The Mormon faith believe marriage is an eternity. After this life it continues in the next. There is a reason why they don’t want people to divorce if they truly believe it can be fixed. If you can’t handle a few bad years and heal your differences, are you really ready for an eternity with anyone?

That Dragon, Cancer Helped Me Deal With My Grief

That Dragon, Cancer is an indie video game developed by a mother and father who lost their child to cancer. Lately, video games haven’t been my thing, but I decided if I was going to play I was going to go towards more story driven games. While the game had its bugs and annoying mechanics the story is something that can knock you back on your feet especially if you have children of your own.

I remember when I was told I might have a tumor in my head. I was alone when I was told that and had no support around me to deal with it. The doctor was cold and blunt, telling me we will see for sure after some tests next week. When I went home I was emotionless. It didn’t help I was already like that due to my PTSD, but this made me fall apart a little. I didn’t pray to God or try to reach out to anyone really. When I look back at that and think of my situation now I wonder if my ex-wife would have wanted me to just die. Either way, I was somewhat okay if I died because it would be something I can’t control.

However, if it were my kids I would have prayed to every single God imaginable. I would have given my life and pleaded for anything to be done. Having to watch this family lose their child, even in a pixelated format, broke my heart from start to finish. It reminded me of The Last of Us when Joel was holding his dying daughter at the start. Well, extend that part for about an hour and you get That Dragon, Cancer.

This game helped me grieve even more than I thought I needed. You have to let go of somethings that are out of your control. They had to let go of their son and hope they would see them again, but you could hear the doubt in the father’s voice, which is understandable. I had to let go of someone I loved more than anyone. When I found out she wanted to leave and thought nothing of me as a cancer it broke me. I remember telling her I would love her forever and her saying it back to me, but now, she saw me as nothing but a disease.

The weird thing is I’m not even angry about it anymore. I’m sad, yes, but I knew I had to stop chasing someone that thought the worst of me even after I had changed so much. But my kids are so hurt by this. When I have to hold one of my kids because he is crying saying he may never see me again because of the divorce it breaks my heart. I know where he is getting those ideas. I reassure him that everything would be fine and we both loved his brothers and him. I don’t know what the future holds though. I hate making promises to them that I’m not sure I can keep.

They are the cure for everything that is bad in my life. I love it when I see them when it is my turn to have them. My youngest will laugh with me as we go around the house cleaning and playing games together. My middle child will tell me how much he loves me and how he misses me every day. I stay up late with my oldest as we talk about what he wants to be when he grows up.

I don’t want them to grow up. I can play these moments in my head for an eternity and never get sick of them. I know that when each day passes they are closer to starting their own lives and while I will be beyond proud of that day I also know it will be one of the saddest in my life. I don’t get to see them as much because I failed to keep our family together. That is a burden I will keep with me. It will not define me, but it will mostly certainly help me to grow.

I didn’t think I had any more grief to go over, but this game made it pour out of me and help me heal even more from it. As I said, as a game it is a bit annoying and not something I would want to play again, but the story alone is something so heartwarming and crushingly sad that I would suggest anyone to play it at least once.

I Want To Feel Love From Another Person For Once

Last night, when I was putting my kids in their beds, I kissed each one of them and told them I loved them. My oldest son was still awake and looked at me asking me why I did that every night when they were with me. I told him the last thing I wanted between us was a kiss and telling them how much I loved them. That is something I did with my ex-wife as well. Regardless of how angry I was at her I would always kiss her and tell her I loved her.

When I went downstairs to relax it dawned on me that my ex-wife had actually asked me that question years back. She was dropping me off at work and I was late. However, I turned around real fast and told her to wait. I kissed the boys and I kissed her telling them I loved them. She was annoyed by this and asked me why I did it every single day. I told her the reason and all she said was, “Oh.” I didn’t know it at the time but that should have been a clear sign for me. She didn’t feel the same way about me.

She had told me she gave up on everything before our second child was born.  I had two more kids with this woman when she didn’t even care about me. I think throughout most of our marriage she didn’t actually love me. Because there is more to love than just liking the person during the good times. There will always be bad times in any relationship as well.

My ex was never a model house wife or mother. However, regardless of all her flaws I loved every inch of her and never imagined being with anyone but her. She left me for her boss after being with him for only a month and has put him above me as the father of my children. Even now after all the terrible things she has done if any woman got between her and my kids she would be gone in a heartbeat. However, this man has used my kids as weapons and even texted me saying that my kids love him and they don’t even miss me. Even threatening my family and myself if we told her. She just defended him. She may have fell out of love with me in a matter of a few years and put on this appearance because she felt stuck with this mistake of a person that she believes that I am.

I want someone to look at me when I’m doing great, bad, annoying, gross and when they say they love me I can feel it. I’m 33 years old and no one has truly loved me. I have family and friends of course, but a person that wants to be my wife. When I thought about that last night I was sad. I know I still love my ex, but that image of her, the thing in my head didn’t love me. Even now when some people are trying to hit on me I won’t do anything because we are still technically married and even if it never meant anything to her it means something to me.

Dealing With A Vindictive Soul Mate And Moving On

Soulmate:

a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.

You know, for years I’m not sure I believed in soulmates. The idea of it was kind of silly, but I’ve been wrong about a lot of things in my life. This past year my whole outlook is different. I’ve become something that I never thought I would be. I’m a changed man and I have to say I love the new me. I love him and what he is doing with his children, but it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows either.

I consider my ex-wife as a soulmate, but she never did for me. When she left me I felt abandoned and what it has done our children is hard to forgive. However, as I have said countless times I still love her with all my heart. I’ve seen her at her worst. I have lost a lot of respect for her as a person and mother, but even after all of this I still love her. Why though?

I have pondered that thought for about a month now. I realized that she was MY soulmate, but I wasn’t hers. The second things went towards the worst for me she stopped loving me on the spot and stayed for the kids. She admitted this and I can’t really fault her on it. That is just how she felt. She put up a lot of excuses on the why, but it was just clear that she never truly loved me. It doesn’t really say anything bad or good about either us. I just loved her and she didn’t for me.

But I’ve been thinking about if I can have more than one soulmate. I want to find someone out there that I consider a life partner, but I think people have always looked at it the wrong way. People say they want to find the person that loves everything they love and will treat them like a prince or princess. That isn’t what I want. I want someone to look at me at my worst, at my weakest moments because we all have those. Everyone has these moments throughout their lives. We are humans. We are frail and sometimes we fall.

I want someone to look at me during these moments and still embrace me. Still love me because they know who I really am and want to fight these battles with me. I want to fight their battles as well if they will let me. This is what I want more than ever. I don’t want to take care of someone and I don’t need them to take care of me, but I do want a partner in this life.

My ex threatens me, her boyfriend threatens me and they may very well win. She may take my kids away, take all the money she can and I know she wants to ruin my life. It doesn’t matter though. I won’t stop loving my kids. I’ll do whatever it takes to be with them, to love them, to be by their sides. And I’ll never give up on this walk in life. I almost did once and I’m thankful every day that I didn’t go through with it.

I Loved Someone That Never Truly Loved Me

I had always thought my ex-wife had loved me. When we married each other I thought we were going to be together forever and nothing could ever change that. At the start of 2017 she left me to be with her boss she just met and I slowly pieced everything together everything that would tell me that my marriage may have been a lie. I struggled with this realization for months, but after she told me the truth I was finally able to let it go.

Let me first say that I know that she had some love for me. I’m not saying she was some type of monster. I mean, she married me, so she had some feelings for me. I don’t believe she had true love for me. Nothing that she would ever brag about or even something to remember in the future. I always wonder what I would have told my past self because of this. Would I tell him to run? Would I tell him how much he would at least love her and the children he would have? Best not to think of it.

I still remember my time in the military and one of my friends grabbing me telling me to divorce her. He had been to our house a few times and I can say there were problem with her at first. She wasn’t a good house wife and hardly did anything. He saw this and told me to get rid of her before we had children. I told him no because I loved her and she was depressed. She married a man right out of high school and moved across the country. I still don’t regret that decision.

But years later I became broken. Accidents would happen and terrible situations decided to fall on my lap. I wasn’t strong or brave enough to handle it then and I wouldn’t be able to face my PTSD until this year. I found out though that she hated me. At first I thought it was because of all the years of just dealing with my bullshit but she told me the truth. She stopped loving me before our second child was born when everything started to get bad. She told me she only stayed for the kids.

Through sickness and health. For better or worse. These are things I truly believed in when it came to the love I had for this woman. It wasn’t for her though. I found out she hated everything about me and my family. When she left me for her boss things started to come out in the open when people heard about it. They would tell me or my family what she thought of us. It was heart breaking for everyone.

When I had told her that I contemplated suicide and really thought about going through with it her response was calling me stupid. She would later try to explain it, but it was clear to me how she viewed me. After that she had never called to check up on me or to even see how I was doing.

But we can’t choose who we love. When I would read the emails, notes, see the pictures knowing full well of what she did and how she viewed me I still loved her. But it helped me to move on at the same time. While I will love her always and remember the girl I fell in love with I have to remember she isn’t that person anymore.

She threw me away. She said her life felt threatened over an argument we had where I said nothing or did anything that would have caused physical violence and I have no history or have done no harm to her ever. This man she ran to threatened my family and myself while saying things to me about my children.  She saw all of this and thought nothing of it. I knew right then how much she hated me. Twelve years together and only knowing him a few months and she already placed him above me when it came to our children.

She will say I’m looking for pity and talk about how pathetic I am to other people. That is fine. This has been happening for years, so it won’t make a difference to me what she will say or do. When things finally came out in the open and I finally saw and heard the truth it really did help me feel better. She has become a person that pushes my buttons to make me mad to justify her wrong doings.

I’m happy to say though that I know now that while this person will always have a place in my heart over time I will find someone that actually loves me. Am I still hung up on her? Of course, I have loved her since the day I laid eyes on her and still do. However, I am mad at her, myself and so many other things that broke our family apart. But writing helps. Doing this and posting has always done something to ease my pain. No one will read it, and it won’t matter if someone does because maybe our marriage never mattered.

My Worst Year, But A Hopeful Future

I guess 2017 may go down as the worst year possible for me. Yeah, there are plenty of good things that happened over the months, but overall I lost the love of my life. My wife at the time wanted a separation to help our marriage get back together. However, I knew something didn’t seem right and others in both our families had the same hunch. When I found out she was cheating on me with her boss and I can’t say I was surprised. I found all the evidence I needed and she honestly didn’t care at all about it and continued to lie to me until it just came out. It was a stab in the heart and a pain I know that will remain there forever. She has become hateful and bitter towards me. It is weird how only a year ago we told each other how much we loved each other and now she left me for another man. She now hates every bit of me as a person.

I found out the man she left me for has had a lot of addiction problems with drugs, alcohol and who knows what else. He has been divorced twice and had just ended his second when he met her. He also has charges on sexual assaulting someone and made threats towards my parents drunk. When I brought these things up to her she said I was just attacking his character. That I was jealous. No, I didn’t want this man near my children. However, she said to be with me was just settling and he was a better man than me. This man has texted me threats, told me my kids love him and don’t even miss me, and she thinks it is no big deal. For better for worse was not an option anymore.

A lot happened during those months though that I can say are a positive. I’ve gotten healthy and started to work out a lot to keep my body in shape to where I want it. I suffered through the last five years because of PTSD. It left me a hollow husk of my former self and I’m still sorry for so many friends and family members that had to witness that. I was toxic and no one deserved to be around that. Now, I can safely say that person is gone forever and I can move forward knowing that I’m a better person. My ex would tell me it was because of her, but it actually wasn’t. I did this on my own and I wanted her to be a part of it, but she hated me so much by then. I honestly can’t put the full blame on her. Yes, she pulled the trigger on the gun when she cheated on me, that is her fault even if she won’t admit it, but I did put the gun in her hands.

I have found God again, somehow. He was hiding behind my curtains. It is funny because one of the reasons why my ex hated me was because I left the church and I somehow found my way back. She doesn’t believe it and she never will, which is fine. Her and her boyfriend have even mocked me about it. I know many of my friends are cringing at the idea of me going back to church. No, they’ll say. Tony, please come back for science and reason! Well, that hasn’t left me either. I can safely say that I am right in the middle of where I want to be with this. Reason will always be my friend, but the spirit of something beyond me is inside of me as well. This balance has brought a lot of peace inside of me. I’m going to embrace it, but keep it within myself. I don’t want to judge people or try to act like I’m better than anyone. I think everyone should find something like this. It doesn’t have to be religion, but every one of us deserves to be happy.

Someone said to me,

“Ok. Honestly this may sound bad, but it doesn’t sound like she wanted a separation to try to fix things with you. She wanted a separation so she could do what she wanted to do. I don’t care what you did Tony! You were struggling with a mental illness. And she wasn’t going to support you through it. Instead she chose to feed her needs elsewhere with someone else. Someone that cares for you wouldn’t do that!

You can hate me for saying this, but she is being extremely selfish. Do you really want to take someone like that back?? Even if she did agree to change. She would still be her. Do you have enough love and respect for yourself to put your foot down and say you deserve better? I’m not saying you need to turn her away now. Go ahead and give her until the end of the year if you must. But what if it turns out this guy chases her away before then and she comes crawling back to you just because you’re all she has?”

I know she isn’t coming back. She has told me how much she doesn’t love me or even wants to look at me. There is some truth to what this person said to me, when I realized it is time to let her go. However, I don’t feel there really is a villain in this. She stuck by a man for years who had become toxic from his mental illness. We all want to say we would do the right thing when the time comes up, but we are all human. We all have a breaking point and we all will make mistakes. I never believe we aren’t capable of cheating, but I also believe we are capable of always changing for the better. However, some things are just character flaws as well that we can’t control.

I will always love my ex. I considered her my soulmate and I sadly still do. People would call me dumb, but I would gladly have a second chance with her to make things right. This isn’t the case though. She has clearly told me how much she dislikes me and how being with me isn’t even worth that second chance. Is it sad? Well, duh, of course it is. However, I can’t force another person to be with me, that would be wrong.

People will call me a liar and that I’m trying to get sympathy. No, I’m telling my side of the story. As I have said, I have evidence and I have brought up to her only to have her lie to me again and again. When she finally realized she was caught for good she didn’t care and instead told me how much she hated me.

Overall, I can say that I am happy with who I am as a person. Yes, I will be forever heartbroken. I won’t fully blame her, I had plenty of fault in our mistakes. She dealt with a selfish asshole for years who was to weak to get help. However, she may never admit her many mistakes and never seek the help that she needs. It truly makes me sad that it had to come to this. I really wanted our family to stay whole and for us to work out our problems, even after I found out she was cheating on me. Sadly, this chapter of my life will close and I’ll look back on it with regret, but learn from it all at the same time.

I wanted to use this blog for healing what I was going through this year. I believe that job is now complete. I have my three boys that love me so much and I would do anything for them. Thank you for reading and I wish you all the best of luck in the future.