Just thinking again

I haven’t written anything out in a long time. Things have been weird because isn’t that how life is? I usually try to write at least once a year now to reflect on my life and to see where I am compared to how bad it was for so many years. In fact, things have been going good…maybe to good actually and that is where I’m starting look deeper into myself and the issues I have.

I’m always looking behind my shoulder and it drives me insane. The work history I have hasn’t been good. I was blamed for something I didn’t do, and I could have gone to jail for it. I was harassed for years because of it and it broke me as a person. Now, when I get pulled into an office to be talked to the worst thoughts come into my head. However, instead I’m told I’m doing a good job and they want to pay me to go to school. I tighten up because I don’t know how to react to that.

It seems to hit me with dating as well. One of the things that I hated about my divorce was finding out the truth about my ex as a person. She will say such sweet things about you only to turn around and be the opposite. I used to think there was nothing wrong with her and that was my fault for not realizing she is a human being with mistakes. However, after being lied to for most of my marriage and later with her affairs it has hurt my kids emotionally. I don’t want to be a part of that. She tries to pull this fake nice persona with me, but I know she just wants something from me or to ask something. I just don’t want to deal with this fake crap that was going on most of our marriage.

I was working on my dryer and one of my sons was getting worried about it. I was telling him I was going to be fine because there was no power. However, he freaked out that I might get hurt and told me why he didn’t want me to. Yes, he loves me and is thinking of my safety, but he also told me why he loves being with me with me every other week and it broke my heart hearing how he feels all the time. I’m finding out all my sons feel this way. This divorce has hurt them so much and my ex has either no idea or doesn’t cares about what she is doing on her side. I’ve put off on me being in a relationship because of this. 

My health hasn’t been good either. Seizures are coming back and I’m afraid to find out what the issue is because they have already suggested a few things it could be, and none of them are good. It is nice that this is a wakeup call and I’m starting to take better care of myself because of it. However, it may be too late to fix what is wrong.

Strange thing is I am happy. I have a great job, amazing sons and every time I think it can’t get better it does. After almost a decade of feeling like pure garbage and being with people that never really cared about me these past three years have been an amazing journey that will hopefully continue getting better.

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