Wearing Your Grudges

I love the band Tool. By far one of the best bands that have ever existed and I wouldn’t be shocked if nothing like them comes out for a long time. However, moving passed praising them, I was listening to them this morning and on my playlist the song “The Grudge” pops up.

“Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate
Desperate to control all and everything
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen”

Maynard has hit close to home for me a lot throughout my life with his lyrics. Vicarious and H are big ones that deal with a lot of trauma and pain that I’ve witnessed or felt. This though, is something I really needed to hear. The entire song is letting go of grudges from yourself or even others and both are what I need in my life.

My ex had wronged me in our marriage and after it. I had loved her with all my heart and wanted to make things better for us and our children when I realized my issues (because I had them as well). However, looking into the affairs, the lies, finding letters she’d written about how ugly I was, and the list can go on, but I saw we weren’t really a “thing”. Now, I deal with my kids being told that I liked to hit her, that I’m black mailing her, that I stole their phone, her boyfriend telling them I don’t love them and that list of things can go on as well. A whole new set of problems I’ve dealt with this past year.

How they view me is something I can’t control. He doesn’t know me and she certainly doesn’t as well. When we fight she puts me into her trap of changing the subject to get me mad, and this is where I’m going with on learning to control and let go. I need to stay focused on my sons and making things better for them and showing my love for them. I can’t control the things that are said to them or the things my ex claims. I can only control myself.

I also need to just let go of the past. I know my ex doesn’t feel bad for the things that have been done. I know I’ve apologized though for my wrongs and I need to just move on with that. If she does I’ll accept it, but if she doesn’t it won’t change my life. In fact, I shouldn’t expect it and move on from all this hate and negativity that constantly follows me. I’ve gotten my life together and improved myself so much, but there is still that lingering blackness that doesn’t allow me to trust people. It doesn’t allow me to love myself.

Holding on to these grudges will do nothing but stop me from growing as a person. When that happens I find myself going back to my old bad habits. That is only hurting myself and going to hurt the relationship I have with my children. I need to just let go. Even when I think of it I can feel that negative weight just coming off of me.

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