A little over two years

I like to reflect on things usually when a year passes by specific events or possible upcoming ones. Two years have passed since I had a huge gradual change in my life. Attempted suicide, divorce, finding out terrible things about my marriage, but at the same time great things have happened. In fact, every day the good starts to outweigh the bad. Recently I’ve come to realize that I no longer “feel” alone, because there is a difference of feeling alone and being alone.

For years I felt a certain way. I hated being myself because I couldn’t handle things that have happened and I closed myself in. I just created a shell around me playing video games all day so I could just be trapped in it. I thought I would amount to nothing and it would be better if I just died. I was surrounded by people though, people that would say they were my friends, people that would say they were my family, but I have never felt as alone as I was during those years. Mainly, people like to say things to you, but I’ve noticed that they honestly couldn’t care less.

Now, I have close friends I can have actual good conversations with and overall I’m really happy who is around me because they do care about me as a person. But the most important thing is I don’t feel alone when I’m by myself. I can sit around my house for hours or days without having that feeling anymore. It was something I was so scared of during my separation from my ex.

What helped the most was the last time I thought was going to be a good conversation between us. It wasn’t until she complained that she was alone, not with anyone and needed help that everything went downhill. I wanted to help her and even when she offered for her to live back with me for a while I almost thought we could make our old relationship work for our kids. I found out later she was still seeing the man she cheated on me with and was having an affair with a married man. I knew right there she never loved me, but saw me as something she could use. I watched her use my father over and over again for money only to turn around and tell everyone how much she hates him. I was with this person for over a decade and it is depressing when I think about it.

The only time I somewhat feel alone is when I can’t be around my kids all the time. I’m lucky that I do get them two weeks out of the month, but it still hurts to not be with them. My oldest son wanted me to talk to his mother about how his step dad forced him to try to choose which parents he loved the most and he said he had to choose someone. I instantly remembered the message I was sent showing him saying how much he loved his now ex-wife and how my ex was just a pathetic loser trying to get attention. He knocked up my ex a month or so later. I’m scared for my sons because this isn’t the first incident they’ve told me about, but this one, it is important.

When I look back at our mariage and what people tell me about her I hate the fact that I was fooled for so long. However, we do have three incredible chidlren, they mean everything to me. However, from what they are telling me I fear for all three of them and what is happening. I want to believe my ex will always put them first, but sadly, I’m starting to see that might never the case.

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