The things I dislike, hate or even fear has changed so much these three years. For so long I hated a Master Chief in the military who decided to turn my life upside down. Him and his goons decided to mentally torture me for my last years on that boat. I physically in pain from an accident, which later lead them to verbally and mentally screw with me. I still remember my first class getting threats for sticking up for me. He was later removed from the ship…weird, right? For ten years I hated that man. I wanted to see him die, not by my hands, but I was fine with him taking his last breathe in front of me.
However, strangely enough I finally let this go a few months back. Now when I think about it, it hardly bothers me as much. Yeah, the mental state they left me in on that boat and the things I saw in Africa were something that screwed with me for years. I still have panic attacks here or there, but overall, I’m doing so much better with that. It seems though, that my fear is being redirected elsewhere. When my kids aren’t with me is what I fear the most.
A few months back my oldest son came to me and I could tell he wanted to cry. He asked me if I loved any of his brothers more than him. I told him no, of course. I may love each of them for their different reasons, but I couldn’t image not having any one of them in my life. When I asked him why he hesitated, but he said he was told to choose between his mother and me who he loved to most….and he had to choose. That scared me and everything that happened that year came into my head.
My ex was going from guy to guy trying to find someone to help her with her money issues. It seemed she never cared who she was with as long as they could pay her rent. This new guy though, he was cheating on his wife and I had seen how he viewed my ex by the messages I was sent and what his ex told me. He never really cared about my ex, she was just supposed to be a fling and he got caught, and he was trying to throw her under the boss. Lucky enough his ex got smart and booted his ass out.
Now, he is living with my kids and it does scare me. Regardless of how nice he acts I’ve seen his true face and what he is capable of as a person. My sons have already told me a number of things that bother me, but I try to tell them it is okay, that I’m here and that their mother loves them, which is true. But…everything just feels bad and I worry about them so much. I wish didn’t have to. When my ex tried to come crying to me about her issues and I told her no I wanted to just be friends. I wanted to respect her, but after seeing hers and his true colors I’m not sure if my kids are really safe over there. And right now, there isn’t much I can do about it but be the father they need in their lives.