I recently read the book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” and I have to say it was something that I didn’t think I was going to like that much. At first I heard it was somewhat of a self-help book and I honestly can’t stand them, and this one within the first chapter didn’t grab me right away.
I thought it was a nihilist approach at universe where if life doesn’t matter you shouldn’t really care about anything because why bother. However, it slowly turned away from that, which I’m sure was the point. We need to find meaning. We have to choose what to truly give a fuck about and throw away the rest of the crap that is just weighing us down. I’ve been doing that more, but it can be so hard.
Recently my ex decided to not pay her half of the daycare and not tell me about it. I was instantly mad and it wasn’t even because of the hundreds of dollars I would pay, but because she knew she wasn’t going to pay, didn’t care that she wouldn’t and knew I would find out shortly which I’m sure made her happy. I’ve had this woman tell me she wished me death, say terrible things about me, lie, cheat, and take money from my family while belittling them. All of those things poured into my head that day, but I stopped. I talked with a friend and she helped me to realize what being angry over this would get me; nothing.
Why should I care about this? Yeah, she hates me. Yeah, her family hates me and her boyfriend isn’t that great with my kids. The things my boys tell me bother me. However, I should focus on myself and what I’m doing with my boys. My kids are everything to me. My current job is the first one I’ve been happy with since 2007. I’m looking into buying a house and I want to work on my education and health.
It is hard to not get angry at the things that try to hurt you or you can’t control. But as I sit back and meditate and try to better myself it helps me feel free. When my kids come home with me hugging me and telling me how much they love me it is the best part of my week. It is those moments I fight for now. To find real joy without bringing the hate in my life.
Will it stop? No, it will be there and it will try to wiggle its way into my life, but I have the tools now that I can use to fight against it.