I can’t be friends with my ex and I’m fine with it

This is probably the hardest part about being divorced now. I know a few people that have done it, and they do a great job at it, but for me I don’t think I can ever be friends with my ex-wife. Even for the sake of my kids I just don’t think I can. I feel selfish for thinking this way and when I try to get a different point of view others will tell me the same thing. People that know us both will tell me the exact same thing, “Don’t do it.”

It is so weird to think about sometimes. I’ll go days without thinking of it and one day it will pop into my head. When my ex first left I knew it was to be with her boss and after some investigating it turned out to be true. For months I wrestled with it. Ten years I loved her with all my heart. But I didn’t show it when I should have and that was my mistake. However, I found out there was more to it as time went on.

I’ve talked about it on here before, but people seem to love drama. They want to be a part of it, to be involved to a point, and to walk away from it when it gets out of control. When they found out she left me that is when they came to me to tell me how she really thought of my family and me. At first, I didn’t believe it. A lot of her friends and family were telling me things, things they shouldn’t have known. Things that I didn’t believe she would have said. It wasn’t until I saw it with my own eyes that the reality came to light. This person never really loved me. She settled and hated me for it.

She liked me, sure. However, when things started to get bad with my PTSD and depression she was done with me. I found out she just talked down about me all the time. I get it. We as people will never get along on everything regardless of who we are with. However, I never talked bad about her. She never saw anything in me though. And maybe that was another one of my problems?

With her I didn’t give her the attention she wanted, so she went with someone else. I’ve always had low self-esteem for a long time. Never really believed in myself. My ex didn’t either, so that only helped in that situation. I watched as she told people I would always be a loser. It wasn’t until I found the right friends that I could really see that I wasn’t.

For around a year I watched her tell her boyfriend my dark secrets that I hated about myself, so he could torture me once a month by telling me things or sending me things about them. Every other month she would act like she still loved me only to tell people I’m trying to get her back and that I was pathetic. Her mother said I raped her, which was when I finally decided to never be with her again. At that point on I knew the person I loved never existed. She would tell me how much she hated her mother and wished her death and now her mother says I raped her. Was this the real person I married, I thought? That was around October 2017.

I was sad for my kids because they wanted us to be together so badly, but their parents were never a real thing. I did want to be her friend though and I was for three months. She had called me almost a year from her leaving that she was having money issues, no one to help her and so many other things. I stood my ground though. I knew she didn’t want to be with me, she was just desperate and would do anything at that point. I did tell her that I would help her anyway I can. I was proud of my choice and I really wanted to help her. A couple of days later I received something that really showed me who she was.

I was sent a few photos of her Instagram conversations with someone named Jason. First glance I didn’t care. Why should I care? And I didn’t care about it, until I saw everything. He was a married man and having an affair with my ex. They tried to play it off that they didn’t, but a month later was when I just couldn’t stand this douche of a person. His soon to be ex-wife and I received the same picture. Saying how my ex was just trying to get attention, that she was lonely, pathetic and how he loved his wife. One month later he moved in with my ex and a month after that they were pregnant.

I can’t stand liars and cheaters. It just pisses me off with how selfish people are. I’ve walked away from a lot of friends, a very close one was lost because of these issues. I can’t be around it because they show me who they are as people. None of us are perfect, ever. However, when you go so deep into betrayal and you show no signs of remorse or just trying to learn from it you are a garbage person to me.

How can I be this person’s friend? How can I get along with either of them when they have no respect for anyone but themselves? I struggle with that. I keep trying to tell myself to give it a chance, but she’s broken hearts, she doesn’t care about her actions, used my family and spit on them as soon as she got what she needed from them, even made fun of my suicide attempt. She used her religion as an excuse to leave me, but turns around getting pregnant by a man she was having an affair with. I just can’t.

I need to turn around from this for good. I started this blog to understand why I was getting a divorce. A lot of it was me realizing that I needed help. I needed to get better for myself and my kids. I didn’t think I would find out all of this. I was just that blind with my own selfish behavior and depression. I’m finally over it now though. And I think that part is what saddens me. I thought she would always be something in my life, even after the divorce, but to find out I wasn’t much to her just hurts. Oh well though, right?

I want to use this blog more for the passions I find in my life. The things that I love and help me to grow as a person. I want someone special in my life for once, but I must learn that I’m a person and not someone that has to be with someone else to be complete. There are only a few people that I know of that look at my blog. The others are my ex-wife and her family. They use old links that no longer exist, so it is easy to tell. More than likely to talk about how pathetic I am and a liar, even though I’ve seen the physical proof of these things.

Strange how much my life has changed in a matter of almost two years. How much more will change for the next? Will I even be alive? A lot of questions, but no answers. Life is funny that way. Sometimes I think it is nothing but a joke, but I’ve learned to laugh with it now.

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