Today I took my oldest son on a field trip and for some reason so many memories started to pop into my mind. I hate the human brain. It never remembers what I want it to, but it will help me to remember the worst moments of my life.
When my first child was born I cried for the entire first week of his life. I didn’t think I should be a father. I wanted to be one for years, but when I came back from deployment I was mentally and physically broken, and I wouldn’t get the help I needed for a decade.
The things I saw during my time in the military troubled me. I wasn’t in the position to do anything I saw, but that didn’t stop me from blaming myself. Seeing children in this environment around me left me sick to my stomach, and how others treated it left a bitter taste in my mouth.
To top it all off my knee was broken and they refused to give me my surgery. I started to slowly fall away from myself and I didn’t even realize it was happening. PTSD does that. I wish they would evaluate us before we get out. They somewhat do…but it isn’t handled in any professional method. We leave damaged and no one cares.
I’m starting to understand more that we are all human, broken, and learning. That is why I don’t hate my ex. I know she’s always hated me, but I had to realize that our marriage was just a dumb mistake on both our parts and I need to just co-parent with her. Granted I don’t like her as a person for the things she does and says, not just at me, but overall for my kids sake it needs to work out.
I can’t ponder anymore on the things I can’t control, for the things I can never change. I’ve lived that life and I’ve seen what it could do to me if I don’t stop it.