I’ve been having many issues of trust lately, and on almost every scale of any type of relationship. I know it might seem stupid to some people to move on, but I can’t, and it just disturbs me. I’m 34 years old and I’m not sure if I can hold a steady relationship and even some friendships with people due to my previous marriage.
The weird thing is I don’t even blame my ex on this. She cheated on me before we were married and she ran off with her boss. Yes, that all messed me up a bit and I was dealing with my own personal monsters during all of this, but I had friends who knew about her behavior towards me and said nothing. That angered me more. When I told people about my divorce the flood gates opened and they told me what they heard themselves or what they heard from others.
When I heard about her recent affair with a married man I wanted to tell the wife. I didn’t and she found out anyways, but I had no relationship with her or this new guy, so me not coming forward I believe was more justified. However, I had extremely close friends or just friend in general that said nothing to me. I hate the whole “That isn’t my business” excuse. I believe that shows a lack of caring for that person. It says you don’t care about the damage that is happening around them.
A recent friend of mine is breaking up with her boyfriend who she moved in with recently. I knew it was a bad idea. People seem to just jump from relationship to relationship without giving any thought. From one bad thing to another without wondering why. They say people are wearing rose colored glasses, so they can’t see the red flags.
Well, I think I’m the opposite of that. I see everything as a red flag and I push myself away from everything. I hate it. I know I shouldn’t. However, the second I see one, no matter the color, I bail on the situation. It just lingers at the back of my head. Is this how I’ll always be with people? The only three people I love being around is my kids. I know they aren’t perfect, but I don’t question the love they have for me. I never doubt it. I just doubt everything else.