Do Or Don’t

I keep doing this to myself. I’ll start dating again and when I start to put my guard down I’ll fall back because I’m scared. The more I meet people the more I realize they are starting to fall into two different groups. You have those that are single parents who only want to talk bad about their ex and want to live a little crazy, I somewhat fall into this. The other would be the younger women I meet who want to start a family meaning they want to get married and start popping out kids because their clocks are ticking….at twenty five.

Those who believe they have to live up to the normal expectations of a relationship and those that are so destroyed by it they don’t want to think straight for five seconds. My issue is I’m scared to put myself into something long term for it to end up like my marriage when I find out my spouse didn’t actually love me. My marriage ended with my wife cheating on me, telling me I’m a good man, but telling family and friends that I’m a loser and the man she cheated on me with sending me random texts and photos of how happy they are. I really can’t go through that again.

But the other side of this coin is I want to have it. I want the real thing. Real love. But would I regret it? I’m regretting not having it, so it seems to be a damned if I do and damned if I don’t situation. I’m turning thirty four soon and I know I’m still young to make some incredibly changes in my life.

I know this sounds the typical whiny ex, but I’m using my ex wife as an example of what not to do. She told people that leaving me was something as a sign from God. Within a year she had cheated on me, started smoking, messed with my children’s heads on how relationships should work, had an affair with a married man and who knows what else.

I’ve thought on something Jon Stewart said a while back, something that is now closer to my heart:

“If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values: they’re hobbies.”

I was playing my guitar the other day and that was the calmest I felt in a while by myself. Being away from my kids is painful, so finding things like that is something I need more. I don’t need to use a person to fill that in and when I do find them I want it to be someone I can imagine with my kids, not just myself.

I’m still angry at myself for marrying so young and not seeing that I wasn’t ready for it and needed to be me first before anything else. People told me over and over again this would happen, but I was so in love that I was blinded by the truth and didn’t realize the person I was with didn’t love me. But I have to get passed that. Shit happens, right? Live and learn. Of course I’m still hurt by this, but I feel, like her, if I just find someone that I really do love I can actually move on. Right?

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