Feeling Odd

I thought this week would make me feel good, but I haven’t felt this bad in a long time with no real fault of my own or even something that happened to me. This weight I feel on my chest or the pit in my stomach is nerve racking.

I had received word that they needed an IT role filled for a temp job. I needed it so I could have some income while going through all these interviews. However, my happiness was short lived when I found out a close family friend, people who have helped me so much this past year, had lost a child. The mother almost died giving birth as well. I felt torn.

I know they have had so many ups and downs, but after losing one child and now another just makes me worry for them. At the same time it only made me think of my kids. I only see them half of their time now and with this I’m just worried about them.

I want to be with them every second of their lives. When they tell me how much they love me and miss me it breaks my heart. My three year old had crawled into my bed with me and kissed me on my forehead while smiling at me. I felt like crying.

I know I can’t protect them always and one day they will leave to experience their own adventures. They’ll go through the same things as me and others I haven’t experienced. Hell, they may find true love and show me how it really is. I hope all that for them, but I also know that tomorrow they may die and all the things I dreamed for them would just vanish. That is why that every second I have with them I want it to be the best moments we can have together.