Can I Find It?

I recently had a fight with my ex. I found out she has been spying on me and tried to lie. She is terrible at it. No matter how much I catch her whether it her cheating on me, lying about my actions or her recent affair with someone else’s husband it is never her fault. Yet, I still have some feelings for her. We never choose the people we care for it seems.

I found out over the year how much she actually hated me and how she used me. At first I thought it was just anger because we both had issues. However, during the worst moments of my life I found out that she never did love me. People like to use that word a lot I’ve noticed. When I saw that my ex was cheating on me she used the word love a lot with the man she barely knew for a couple of months. I found out for years all she ever did was talk bad about me and my family and I realized that the person I thought I loved more than anything in the world probably didn’t exist. She has already admitted to wanting me to die and uses my children as weapons. I have to just realize it is who she is and just move on.

That’s the big problem I’m fighting right now. Can I really find true love? People can say yes to it but to me love is when you look at the person and see the ugly part that we all have and still want to be with them. My ex never really did for me and I was with her for over 10 years.

I’m not afraid of the whole alone thing because I have my children, friends and family around me all the time. I guess I’m afraid of wasting more of my time on something that won’t happen. Should I bother? Should I try? What if I do what she did and ruin another family’s life without even caring about it.

I know for sure I have to sever all ties with this person. She does whatever she can the push my buttons. She lies, she manipulates people and I get caught in the anger of that. The funny thing is she likes to tell people I’m angry because she left, but I’m not. I’m angry on how she did it.

People tell me to kill her with kindness. The thing is I don’t believe she deserves my kindness, but I also shouldn’t stoop down to her level. I’ve already seen that she brings garbage around her life and now she’s bringing it near my children. I need to learn to heal myself and to be there for myself and my kids.

I said this before and most of the time it will happen for a few weeks or months. However, she’ll need money or she’ll try to hurt me in some way and the anger starts over. I need to just let go. I said this before, but this time I really need to do it. I wanted to do everything I could to keep my family together. But after reading, seeing and listening to everything I know now that there never was a family. But I can create a good one with my kids even if it’s just by myself.

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