Looking At The Past

Recently I have been thinking a lot of my past. I couldn’t sleep last night for some reason and I thought about the last fifteen years of my life. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I almost wanted to just go back and change it all. Wouldn’t it be easy? To just change everything and probably be a completely different person? But I remembered something. I like who I am and I love my children. The person I am currently seeing is amazing, so why think that way?

Last year was hard for me. My ex left me for her boss, who later turned out to be a huge loser. She accused me of trying to attack her and she told her mom I raped her. When I confronted her about these things like this she tells me not worry about it and just lies, that’s what she does best. Now I find out she was having an affair with a married man. I’ve come to realize the person that I thought I loved never existed. This is who she really is. When friends and family members on both sides started telling me how she talked about me for years it was clear she never really loved me, she just settled and was pissed about it.

Basically, the last fifteen years was a joke. Something that should have never happened. I should have never married this woman because she more then likely has been doing this kind of stuff for a long time. It is clear because she lies about everything even when pictures and conversations are shown to her. I wanted my life back. While I wasn’t perfect and should have been a better husband and father I didn’t deserve this. I know I deserve better than her. I should have seen the signs, but I was to far into my own pain that I couldn’t see what was happening around me.

But my kids show me why the pain is worth it. The random hugs, telling me I’m a great dad and just about everything we do together tells me I know I would go through that terrible marriage over and over again to have them in my life. Isn’t that what life is about? Pushing towards something better even if you are going through all this pain to get there? I know I’m emotionally damaged, but we all can carry that type of baggage.

I’ve dated a lot since the divorce papers were filed. I’ve taken it fast and I’ve taken it slow. A few weeks ago I decided I didn’t want to date anymore and just focus on myself. As I was deleting my accounts and removing them from my phone I did see one message. The woman was beautiful and I did enjoy her profile page, but I’m starting to hate all these sites. We create this fake internet persona. The women all put the same cliche thing and the guys from what I hear will give you a collage of dick pictures whether you asked for it or not.

But I wanted to reach out to her. LIke I said, she was beautiful with gorgeous eyes and a devilish smile, so why not? It started off with small talks and then we actually met. I’ve had good times with people and can say they’ve helped me grow as a person, but this girl, is something different. I like strong independent women. she wants a partner, not someone to take care of her. She is great to talk to and has the smarts to have a good conversation with. But the thing that gets me everytime is she can make me laugh. I’ve never really been with a woman who could do that.

Those were my thoughts last night. It was hard on my gut at first to think of a life that I didn’t have. That it was just a lie, but I look at myself in the mirror now and I see a man that I’m happy with. Someone that I’m proud of. When my kids come through my door and hold me it is the greatest feeling in the world. And now I look at someone that looks back at me with honesty and I’m happy to be with someone like that along with the friends and family that helped me in my struggles. It took some time, but I’m here and I don’t want to leave.