Looking At The Past

Recently I have been thinking a lot of my past. I couldn’t sleep last night for some reason and I thought about the last fifteen years of my life. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I almost wanted to just go back and change it all. Wouldn’t it be easy? To just change everything and probably be a completely different person? But I remembered something. I like who I am and I love my children. Why change that because of one terrible mistake?

Last year was hard for me. My ex left me for her boss, who later turned out to be a huge loser. She accused me of trying to attack her and she told her mom I raped her. When I confronted her about these things like this she tells me not worry about it and just lies, that’s what she does best. Now, I find out she was having an affair with a married man. His wife, at the time, and myself received some messages they were sending eachother. I’ve come to realize the person that I thought I loved never existed. This is who she really is. When friends and family members on both sides started telling me how she talked about me for years it was clear she never really loved me, she just settled and was pissed about it.

Basically, the last fifteen years was a joke. Something that should have never happened. I should have never married this woman because she more then likely has been doing this kind of stuff for a long time. It is clear because she lies about everything even when pictures and conversations are shown to her. I wanted my life back. While I wasn’t perfect and should have been a better husband and father I didn’t deserve this. I should have seen the signs, but I was to far into my own pain that I couldn’t see what was happening around me.

But my kids show me why the pain is worth it. The random hugs, telling me I’m a great dad and just about everything we do together tells me I know I would go through that terrible marriage over and over again to have them in my life. Isn’t that what life is about? Pushing towards something better even if you are going through all this pain to get there? I know I’m emotionally damaged, but we all can carry that type of baggage.

I’ve dated a lot since the divorce papers were filed. I’ve taken it fast and I’ve taken it slow. A few weeks ago I decided I didn’t want to date anymore and just focus on myself. I need to be a better person for myself and my kids.

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