Almost a week ago I had a dream that was very random, but maybe not so much now. I was telling a woman that I have recently been talking to, because for some reason she was in it, that I was standing in my grandparents living room. Everyone I knew was there and we were all just talking, that was it. I remember looking towards my grandparents bedroom, but I would never get up. I found out this morning my grandfather died last night.
I don’t look at this dream as me having special powers or that God was talking to me beyond the unknown. This certainly wasn’t a premonition. My grandfather had been dying of cancer for sometime now and every week I would call about him and the news was always grim. He wanted to make it to Christmas. Maybe to have one last one or maybe he thought it would spoil it for everyone if he died before. I feel bad for saying this, but I didn’t want him to make it to anything.
For the last few months he was alive, but he certainly wasn’t living. I wanted to call a few times with my kids to see if he could talk with us, but everyone told me he wouldn’t be able to. He was already gone and was just hanging on by a string. I knew for myself it wouldn’t be something I wanted. I wouldn’t want to be alive to help keep everyone else happy. I would want to pass and have my peace. I believe he has that now.
This year has been nothing but rocky for me and I knew I needed to see my grandparents one last time because the next time I come back home would be years away. I was outside my grandparents backyard and he asked me if I was okay. I brushed it off telling him I was good, but I knew the question he was really asking me. A lot of terrible things had happened this year and I was still trying to hold myself together. This would be the last discussion the two of us had face to face and one that will be engraved in my mind forever.
I won’t go into the major details, because I want to keep that for myself, and it was pretty long. The gist of it is we aren’t biologically related, but I am his grandson. I’ve never questioned his love for myself, my siblings or my children. Our last talk made that even stronger. We both knew he wasn’t doing good and he wanted to tell me something because I would probably never get a chance to hear it from him in person again. It makes that trip I took worth it even more.
I guess it is sort of ironic that my grandpa died at the end of 2017. That is my theme right now, things just ending. You could look at it in a good or bad way. Or maybe I can try to find the good in all of this bad and to allow it to help me grow. I’m never sure anymore. I just hope 2018 starts off a little better.