I told myself I wasn’t going to have the main subject of an article be about my divorce anymore, but someone had asked me recently how I dealt with it. I kind of laughed to myself when I was asked it. A little bit of good and a little bit of bad. I almost envied people that say their divorce went off well with no problems. However, most didn’t have children and were only married for a few years. We had three kids and had over a decade of being together. One of the things I like about this blog is once I put something down I almost feel like I left it here. Like I patched a wound, so it could finally heal. I think this list will finally be the last thing I need, and it seems right since the year is ending.
Anger May Not Be A Choice
I was angry a lot through the start of the year. I kind of did it to myself though. My ex had told me that she wanted to just have a separation at first, but I knew that she wanted to be with her boss. I had access to all her social media and other forms of communication. I watched everything and I had asked her multiple times if they were together. She lied every time and even when I showed her the proof of how I knew she continued to still lie for some reason.
I did that to myself though. I wished I didn’t see any of it and just let it be. But that is what we do as humans. When we care about something we become curious. I loved her and wanted her to stay with me. Maybe I hoped to see that she really did love me. I saw the opposite and it tore me apart for a long time. That is something you have to know about your divorce. It is usually never easy and at least one of you is going to be heartbroken about it. That was sadly me.
Skeletons In Closets Will Come Out
One of the worst things I found out was that my ex didn’t actually love me that much. I found letters she had written talking about my appearance, I saw messages of her saying things about myself and my family and that wasn’t the worst of it. I later talked to people that knew us before my issues of depression started. I found out she had been saying things about me for years. It turns out the issues I thought we had weren’t the real ones. It was just me. She settled a long time ago and just didn’t like the person that I was period. It made sense that once I dealt with my depression she didn’t want to be with this person at all.
That is something you will have to realize. Maybe they didn’t love you or maybe they just can’t stand you anymore. You want to fight. You want to make things right, but the issue is you can’t change a persons mind. I had tried because I thought there was something there, but there never was. When you realize that it is out of your hands it helps the process of moving on possible. It took months for me to do that, but sooner or later you will get there as well.
When You Are Ready Start Dating
It took me almost until the end of the year to start dating, but when I did I think that is when I finally felt at peace. I was a nervous wreck at first. However, after some time I felt like myself again. I thought I was going to be terrible at kissing, having sex or anything else. Once it happened I felt things that my ex never gave me and it made things sad at first. My ex had told me she stayed for the sex. When I was intimate with another woman that actually liked me I could already tell how different it was.
A lot of people don’t believe the physical part is needed to have a marriage or relationship. Could that be true? Maybe. Depending on the two people, but for myself I realized it is needed. Even small complements helped. I had always told my ex how much I loved her and the way she looked. I meant every word it. She wasn’t perfect, but she was mine. The one thing I’ve noticed with dating women now is they always compliment my smile. I tried to remember a time my ex actually said something nice about me, but the sad thing is I can’t remember because it really wasn’t there. Instead, I have letters, texts and people telling me how much she didn’t like me.
You Will Move On…But
There will always be something there. I know I don’t hate her or wish anything bad of her, but knowing how she felt about me does eat at me a bit. I spent over ten years with this person that didn’t really care that much about me. It is a good thing we made three amazing people we both love. That is something you need to find in this. Find the good. Find something that at least made it worth it. It will be hard to do it, but you can hopefully find it there. If you just focus on the negative it will just weigh you down.
We all move at a different pace. We like to think we are going to handle things the best we can all the time, but remember, we are human. We will make mistakes no matter what. I forgave myself. I knew the things I did that were wrong and learned from them. My ex will probably not admit the things she did that were wrong, but I still forgave her. You don’t need them to acknowledge it. Just know that you need to move on from it.