Tomorrow I will found out what is physically wrong with me and I can honestly say I’m scared. For weeks I’ve been physically ill and the other day I fainted without realizing what happened. To put it simple, there is something really wrong with me. I’ve been watching my whole life fall apart this year and no matter how hard I try to keep it together I have been failing miserably. I woke up at 3am this morning to find all my kids piled on top of me. I was on fire, I couldn’t move my body at all, and I really needed to go the bathroom. I was also extremely happy because I was with all three of them. As I stared up at my white ceiling I decided there really needed to be changes in my life.
The first thing I did was forgave my ex-wife. I’m still in shock and a bit disappointed about how much she lies to me about everything. Having access to all her messaging conversations and to her google photos didn’t help the process of trying to heal. I watched as her family and friends said horrible things about me and I saw pictures of her and her boss being very affectionate with each other. I wasn’t shocked after a month later when she gave me the divorce papers. Even knowing everything her and her boss were doing I still wanted to fight to save us.
Our marriage was a lie. I found out how much she didn’t actually like me. She settled and now that she found someone she really loved she knew she had a chance of being happy with someone. I know while this marriage was a fantasy it was real for me. However, I can’t wear this grudge like a crown. I can’t let it keep pushing me down to the ground and I need to finally let go. She never wanted to stay with me and that is actually her choice. She doesn’t owe me anything.
I need to realize that whatever I’m told tomorrow I can’t let it define me. I’ve already been told that the outcome of my health isn’t good. I’m depressed, my blood pressure is high and my own stomach is trying to kill me. Whether it is terminal or something that can be controlled I can’t let it push me back. I already let my depression and PTSD do that and it ruined my life.
Last, I really need to walk away from the digital age. I hardly talk to anyone due to my work schedule and I’m just sick of all the politics, religion, scams, and fucking memes that have overtaken the internet. I do like to keep in touch, but the internet isn’t used for that anymore. I always feel better when I’m outside with my kids. It is the best thing for me to do. I’ll probably keep instagram only for family.
So, goodbye, I guess. I’m not coming back for quite a while it would seem. I need to get my spirits back up and I think that is going to take a few years to do. My mental and physical health is also on the edge, but I have my good friend Monique along with family members who have done nothing but keep me off the edge. I think I’ll be okay. It is going to suck, but time to stop playing the victim and move on.