I’ve been getting that more and more lately. I have a few friends that I can only talk to online and I get a call from one of them asking if something bad had happened to me. It was just a busy week and I’ve slowly been walking away from electronics as the year goes on. They thought something terrible had happened to me or I did something terrible to myself. My year hasn’t always been on the up, so I guess I could understand it. However, people have been asking it more lately.
It might be because I’m not wallowing in my depression anymore, but instead I’m actually happy. Yes, there is still a great deal of sadness that I carry, but it isn’t hurting me as much anymore. I’m happy with myself, I love being with my kids and yes I enjoy my own company being by myself. People are scared for me and I get that. They care and that is nice. It can get annoying though always being asked if I’m going to “make it.”
The divorce is the hardest part of all of this. I’m still very much in love with my ex and us having three kids makes it really tough. I still imagine her lying next to me, I remember the touch of her lips, the way she smells, and I’m actually annoyed she is putting on more makeup because I can’t see her freckles when I see her. I really liked them. Being in love with this person and her not feeling the same way is a bummer. I wanted to try the “friend” thing, but I can’t do it. I honestly hope her or anyone else never feels this way with another person. I’d honestly rather rip my shoulder apart again.
Yes, I’m sad that I don’t get to see my kids all the time, be with the woman I love and my grandfather could pass away any day due to cancer. Weirdly enough I’m still happy though. But what is really strange is just this time last year I was miserable and I had everything I could have ever hoped for in my life now. This is a lesson for me in life to not take things for granted and when something good is with me I should try to have it with me as long as I can and value it.
Here’s a bonus for you all