I haven’t been in church for myself in quite some time and today is somewhat of a test for me. I got some new clothes and as I walked to church I felt pretty good about myself. This is big for me because it has been something I’ve been wanting to do, but pushing off for some reason. Yeah, I work the graveyard and it can be hard to get up on time, but those are just excuses. Today, I told myself you have to do it, you need to do it for yourself and no one else.
I only stayed for an hour and my anxiety kicked in pretty bad. I haven’t felt that in over five months, so it shocked me a little bit. I had to sit there and slowly do my breathing exercises to calm me down. People were talking, babies were crying and I was by myself, so the first ten minutes were hard to control. It finally calmed down during the praying and listening to those speak.
The first was an older man. I’ve noticed the older generations seem to put the fear in God on everyone. We should do this, we need to do that or else we are all going to regret it. I’ve never understood that on any topic. Why? Why put fear into something if it is supposed to inspire us or something to help us feel good. Is it because they are afraid as they grow older?
I say this because the second speaker was a young man. He might have been younger than me, but not by much. His talk was on the love of God and it was something that really helped me to think on my situation. Saying that no matter what even if we are believers or not that we should always be helping each other. That made my anxiety go down quite a lot. His words spoke the truth to me.
Now that I think of it I can’t put this down to the age of the person. I also liked my soon to be ex-wife’s grandmother a lot. Even though I never told her she is one of the sweetest women I have ever met. A truly good person. I could always see why people admired her. I never told her this because I had so many deep issues and the sad thing is I may never be able to now. Maybe one day I would meet her again, but the chances aren’t likely. However, it just made me realize that we are who we are by our experiences.
Even though I hit a few walls today I felt it was pretty good. I promised my bishop I was going to go more and try to make it through the whole thing. I thought about my wife a lot and wondered how it would have been if she was there. She wouldn’t come with me now, but this is something she had wanted for years and now I’m here. When I thought about it I laughed a little bit and a man and his little girl stared at me funny when I did. This year has been nothing but weird for me, but something that had to be done.