Yeah, I know the two words aren’t going together very well. For a long time, I have struggled with the idea of God in my head. When my depression really kicked in hard I lost complete faith in the idea and during this time the woman I loved more than anything was Mormon. I was born into the faith, but I always questioned everything. She later left me saying one of the excuses was my lack of faith, and I could understand that because I wasn’t respectful about it.
Back in March I started to feel different. Not in the way a teenage boy or girl would feel, but more my mindset on what I wanted in my life. Everything about me was changing and it scared the living hell out of me. I thought I was starting to lose myself as a person. I was scared I was just thinking that way because of my wife leaving me and I wanted to bring her back in my life.
However, as the months went on I felt more compelled to go back to church to at least find something spiritual in my life. The bishop at the church understood how I felt and made things so easy for me. I told him how I wasn’t probably going to be 100% in it, but then again I don’t think I could fully to commit to anything like that. There is no way to prove it, but I can’t deny my feelings. I can’t refute my hope or my faith in it.
My wife had left me and while I did try to fight it I still wasn’t in the right place of mind. I panicked and probably made things worse between us. It was hard to imagine we went to the temple together and she loved me enough to want to be with me forever. After my PTSD really kicked in I know I made her sick of me and the idea of being with me even in this life wasn’t even an option. I almost thought that when she told me how much she didn’t like me I would lose my faith all over again, but I didn’t, and that scared me a little as well.
I know for a fact I can’t prove anything when it comes to faith. This life and if there is another one after it is extremely scary. We are all agnostic whether we want to believe that or not. We all like to wonder, we all get scared of the “what if” and yeah, religion has a crappy history sometimes, but at the same time it can fill you with so much hope. I can’t deny what I feel anymore and I’m okay with it if people don’t like that. I’ve had friends try to convince me not to, my soon to be ex-wife and her boyfriend have mocked me about going back and overall I know even the people of faith aren’t probably going to agree with how I feel on everything. Sitting on the fence with something like this pisses off both sides.
It doesn’t matter though because I know what I want from this. My faith with God will be just between him and I. I’m not going to judge people, I’m not going to try to convert and I’m not going to be preachy. Being more spiritual along with meditating has taken so much anger from my life and it is just pointless to be angry at anything anymore. I just want to be happy and to purse that happiness to the best of my abilities.