Last night, when I was putting my kids in their beds, I kissed each one of them and told them I loved them. My oldest son was still awake and looked at me asking me why I did that every night when they were with me. I told him the last thing I wanted between us was a kiss and telling them how much I loved them. That is something I did with my ex-wife as well. Regardless of how angry I was at her I would always kiss her and tell her I loved her.
When I went downstairs to relax it dawned on me that my ex-wife had actually asked me that question years back. She was dropping me off at work and I was late. However, I turned around real fast and told her to wait. I kissed the boys and I kissed her telling them I loved them. She was annoyed by this and asked me why I did it every single day. I told her the reason and all she said was, “Oh.” I didn’t know it at the time but that should have been a clear sign for me. She didn’t feel the same way about me.
She had told me she gave up on everything before our second child was born. I had two more kids with this woman when she didn’t even care about me. I think throughout most of our marriage she didn’t actually love me. Because there is more to love than just liking the person during the good times. There will always be bad times in any relationship as well.
My ex was never a model house wife or mother. However, regardless of all her flaws I loved every inch of her and never imagined being with anyone but her. She left me for her boss after being with him for only a few months and lied to me during our separation to get our marriage back together. I later found letters and people telling me how ugly she thought I was, how much she hates my family and so many other terrible things that happened during our marriage. It fucking sucks hearing all these things from family or friends from both sides.
I want someone to look at me when I’m doing great, bad, annoying, gross and when they say they love me I can feel it. I’m 33 years old and no one has truly loved me. I have family and friends of course, but a person that wants to be my wife. When I thought about that last night I was sad. I know I still love my ex, but that image of her, the thing in my head didn’t love me. Even now when some people are trying to hit on me I won’t do anything because we are still technically married and even if it never meant anything to her it means something to me.