Anger might not be the best word to use for the start of the year for me. Livid, maybe? It doesn’t matter. I was in a really dark place and anger came oozing out of me and it was not healthy at all. I was recently told by someone who commented here that I should be angry and to just be angry at my ex-wife. However, after the past month or so I’ve finally let it go and it feels so much better.
It wasn’t just my ex-wife cheating on me but instead just life in general that had me down. I couldn’t feel anything but anger. I could hardly pay my bills, I was out of shape, my job wasn’t satisfying me and my ex-wife and her boyfriend did nothing but threaten me while using my children as weapons against me. I had every right to be angry, but one day I finally stopped because of my oldest son.
He came up to me one day and asked why I was so sad. I was a little puzzled by it because I didn’t think I was acting sad, but it just showed how much my kids really knew me. When I actually went over everything with him he just looked at me and told me he loved me while giving me a hug. In my house when one of them hugs me the other two have to as well while telling me they loved me. It is a chain reaction I always enjoy.
I was told to hate and be angry at my ex. When I realized that she never truly loved me and that it was one way for most of our marriage I didn’t have any anger. I loved her and I was fine knowing she didn’t love me. Yeah, I wasted twelve years of my life, but I got three beautiful boys out of it with some good memories even if they weren’t real. I can’t focus on the mistakes I made any more. I can’t be angry at everything that goes wrong. I just have to learn from it and keep doing my best.
Even now she is doing everything she can to make the divorce difficult, but I’m not angry. If you read my blog about prayer it has done a lot of life changing things for me. It helps me to think and give me peace of mind. I never ask for things to go my way or for harm to come others. I ask for the courage to face my issues and whatever pushes me down I hope to have the strength to stand back up.
Anger is necessary. However, I bottled mine up for years until it made me hollow and the only thing left was just a toxic part of my soul. It hurt me. I won’t let it define me anymore though. The past is the past and it is time to move on.
Below is a video that helped me to look past my faults and anger. I love his music, his artwork and his overall outlook on how we define ourselves through the positive and negative parts of our lives.