I had always thought my ex-wife had loved me. When we married each other I thought we were going to be together forever and nothing could ever change that. At the start of 2017 she left me to be with her boss she just met and I slowly pieced everything together everything that would tell me that my marriage may have been a lie. I struggled with this realization for months, but after she told me the truth I was finally able to let it go.
Let me first say that I know that she had some love for me. I’m not saying she was some type of monster. I mean, she married me, so she had some feelings for me. I don’t believe she had true love for me. Nothing that she would ever brag about or even something to remember in the future. I always wonder what I would have told my past self because of this. Would I tell him to run? Would I tell him how much he would at least love her and the children he would have? Best not to think of it.
I still remember my time in the military and one of my friends grabbing me telling me to divorce her. He had been to our house a few times and I can say there were problem with her at first. She wasn’t a good house wife and hardly did anything. He saw this and told me to get rid of her before we had children. I told him no because I loved her and she was depressed. She married a man right out of high school and moved across the country. I still don’t regret that decision.
But years later I became broken. Accidents would happen and terrible situations decided to fall on my lap. I wasn’t strong or brave enough to handle it then and I wouldn’t be able to face my PTSD until this year. I found out though that she hated me. At first I thought it was because of all the years of just dealing with my bullshit but she told me the truth. She stopped loving me before our second child was born when everything started to get bad. She told me she only stayed for the kids.
Through sickness and health. For better or worse. These are things I truly believed in when it came to the love I had for this woman. It wasn’t for her though. I found out she hated everything about me and my family. When she left me for her boss things started to come out in the open when people heard about it. They would tell me or my family what she thought of us. It was heart breaking for everyone.
When I had told her that I contemplated suicide and really thought about going through with it her response was calling me stupid. She would later try to explain it, but it was clear to me how she viewed me. After that she had never called to check up on me or to even see how I was doing.
But we can’t choose who we love. When I would read the emails, notes, see the pictures knowing full well of what she did and how she viewed me I still loved her. But it helped me to move on at the same time. While I will love her always and remember the girl I fell in love with I have to remember she isn’t that person anymore.
She threw me away. She said her life felt threatened over an argument we had where I said nothing or did anything that would have caused physical violence and I have no history or have done no harm to her ever. This man she ran to threatened my family and myself while saying things to me about my children. She saw all of this and thought nothing of it. I knew right then how much she hated me. Twelve years together and only knowing him a few months and she already placed him above me when it came to our children.
She will say I’m looking for pity and talk about how pathetic I am to other people. That is fine. This has been happening for years, so it won’t make a difference to me what she will say or do. When things finally came out in the open and I finally saw and heard the truth it really did help me feel better. She has become a person that pushes my buttons to make me mad to justify her wrong doings.
I’m happy to say though that I know now that while this person will always have a place in my heart over time I will find someone that actually loves me. Am I still hung up on her? Of course, I have loved her since the day I laid eyes on her and still do. However, I am mad at her, myself and so many other things that broke our family apart. But writing helps. Doing this and posting has always done something to ease my pain. No one will read it, and it won’t matter if someone does because maybe our marriage never mattered.