A lot has happened this past week. My time in Nevada, while short, was nothing but enjoyable. Seeing Corey and Riley being excited in a new environment was nothing surprising, but to actually see Brody taking a liking to Jim and Alyssa was shocking. The kids thought their movie room, where they have a popcorn machine, was the coolest thing ever. Then they decided to ask me to build one at our house. That might be possible, but not for a while.
Being back in California right now is stirring up memories I’m not sure I was ready to face. Many of them used to be happy memories. However, now that my wife had left me they just confuse me. There is a lot of anger and sadness in me right now. It is hard to shake it away and to try to focus on what is in front of me. It is nice to enjoy myself with my brother in-law or mother in-law with no real tension. Yes, soon they won’t be “family” but it is always nice to know they will still view me that way even if I won’t hold the title anymore.
Back to memories though, they are a bizarre thing. Walking through different houses, looking at pictures, or just places around town can stir up different emotions depending on what events are happening in your life. For myself, it is just confusion. I’m not sure what to think or feel right now. Am I just in shock? Yeah, possible due to knowing all the hope I’ve held in me is just something I was lying to myself about.
I think I’m in a state of limbo right now. I don’t want to go back to being depressed and feeling sorry for myself. However, at the same time I’m not sure I want to move forward with my plans either. I’m sure it is because I’m scared to fail. This will be my last time coming back to California and looking at my old life for a long time. When I come back I’ll be a completely different person. People may never recognize me. Depending on the person that may be a good or bad thing, who knows.
I do know that I have to do this. The next three years will be nothing but sacrificing so much of myself. It will be painful and it will be something that I may want to give up on daily, but overall, it will be worth it.