Last week was pretty bad for me and it seemed to be an ongoing theme for making my days full of misfortune. I woke up to get in my car to begin my daily routine of meeting a stranger at Five Guys to remember that my car wasn’t going to start with a dead battery. I sat in my house for an hour and just sulked to myself that maybe this week wasn’t a good week to go out anyways. However, for some reason I just got up and decided I was just going to walk there. It was only forty minutes away, so what could go wrong, right?
Walking was probably the best decision I made last week. I walk every day, but it is usually out at night due to my work schedule, so it was nice to feel the sun on my face that day. Well, it was a little short lived when I started to feel rain drops on my head. I was in luck that the convenient store I was passing by was selling umbrellas, so maybe my luck would turn around? No, the wind in Utah made it hard for me to even hold the damn thing. The rain was slanting on one side and I was doing the best I could to make sure the umbrella wasn’t falling apart.
I was pretty relieved when I finally walked into Five Guy because I grew quite the appetite walking there. I wanted to order everything on the damn menu, but I knew that would be bad, so I ordered my usual. I wondered if the people working there recognized me at all and thought it was weird that I talked to a different person every Sunday. I thought of talking to one of them if I ever found myself alone there one day.
Now, for the moment we’ve all been waiting for. I scanned the room and saw a man with his son. He was about the age of my youngest, so I thought that might be a good starter conversation. As we were both getting our drinks I went over my introduction on why I do this. He looked me up and down and asked again why I was doing it. After the second attempt of explaining it him he said, “Not to be rude, but no.” I almost started laughing after he said that, but I held it in to not make it seem I was bitter with his decision.
When I was sitting alone eating my food I decided to text my friend Monique with my first “no” doing this. She tried to encourage me to go find someone else, but I decided not to. I wanted to be defeated I think. Ever since my suicide attempt I’ve been trying to do everything I fucking could to do what was right. Whether it was for myself or those around me I was trying to do all I could to not fail.
It felt nice to be defeated and to just accept it. All I’ve been doing is worrying about every little thing for a while now to make myself look or possible to not feel bad. When I walked back I didn’t feel bad at all and I think I might just start walking to all my destinations on this now. The fresh air was nice and besides the woman who was randomly screaming at the cars that passed by everything looked gorgeous.