I’ve never liked the phrase, “When life gives you lemons make lemonade.” I understand the expression is supposed to encourage optimism to maybe let us look at the brighter side of things. However, sometimes life doesn’t give you lemons. Sometimes life hands you a pile of shit and I certainly don’t want to drink that. I know you want to say, “Well, Tony, plant a garden.” What you don’t understand is there are times where we can’t do anything but scream…and that helps more than lemonade at the moment.
This has been a bad week for me. I’ve gotten zero sleep, my kids have destroyed my house more than usual for whatever reason, my car won’t start because the battery died, and my landlord is being an insufferable prick. And to top it all off I’m broke with a million bills and things that need to be fixed. I had to stop myself from breaking a wall in my house that I felt needed some remodeling. My anger was starting to get the best of me. I walked outside wherever I could while listening to my favorite Tool album to help calm me.
In fact, the whole year has been bad. My wife left me and I later found out she hasn’t truly loved me for a long time. My previous life was pretty much a lie. Overall I’ve been just trying to stay alive this year. However, despite what I said above I’m trying to be optimistic. I’m hoping that something will rise from these ashes. A phoenix? Probably not, but something to start heading towards the right direction.
I know that my life isn’t going to be getting better anytime soon. I would like to make sure that every blow and punch that come my way only hits me and avoids my children at any cost. When I’m with them time seems to stop and I’m fully happy with everything around me. The second they are gone though I feel like a junky who just lost his high. I used to have this with my ex-wife, but the things I’ve seen and heard have now numbed me of that. I thought I had true love, but it was one sided and now I know that love never existed.
When I was walking I was listening to Tool’s Eulogy and a verse hit me hard:
“Why then are you so surprised when you hear your own eulogy?”
I pondered on that while I avoided the water crashing down at me because everyone decided to water their lawn today. How would my eulogy be? Not good I’m assuming right now. I’ve been in such a bad state of depression that I’m sure people wouldn’t think kindly of me. I’m not saying people hate me. Well, not everyone, and I’m sure they would try their damn best to make me look “good” at my funeral. However, I know there wouldn’t be a lot to say. I haven’t been active in a productive way in a long time.
I’m trying to change the best I can for myself. I’m not doing it for anyone but myself. I picked one hell of a time to do it though. Better late than never some would say, but I wish that I would