I remember the first day I saw you. We were in high school and getting ready to see a movie together with friends. I fell in love you with that very moment. True love isn’t something I used to talk about because I didn’t think I ever really felt something on that level. Kids say it to each other because they think it is something you just do, but when you really feel it, it knocks you back on your feet. We love family members because we feel that we have to. However, to choose someone, a stranger that we run across in this life of ours and open up our hearts to them, isn’t something I did often in my young age.
During our time being married, I didn’t care about the rest of the world. It could be burning to the ground around me, but if you were holding my hand I couldn’t care less about it. We created three beautiful boys that do nothing but fill me with joy. They can be annoying, attention seekers, and overall just plain rude, but I love them so much I feel like my body could burst from it.
I always imagined we would be together forever. I’m not a religious person by any means, but, whether it was this life or an eternity in another, I wouldn’t want to spend it with anyone but you. Now, it seems that is nothing but an illusion in my head.
The last year we were actually together I slowly started to pick myself up. For years I was falling down a depressing hole that I couldn’t get out of. It didn’t help our marriage at all. You weren’t perfect yourself and caused many issues that broke our marriage, but mine were something that should have been dealt with years ago. I have a lot of mental issues. I know you struggled in some areas, and it always makes me regret actions I should have taken differently. If I did I wouldn’t be writing this letter.
It was working slowly, and I was trying as hard as I could to make myself a better husband, father and person overall. However, once you got a new job everything changed for the worse. You became distant, talked to your boss about personal things over the phone (She left me to be with him and was with for a while before giving me the papers), and did everything you could to not be near me. I knew I was losing you and I felt lost. The day finally came when you told me you wanted a divorce. I went through so many emotions like anger, sadness, guilt, blame, and so much more.
For the last several months of our marriage I tried as hard as I could to win you back. It was over, though. You showed bitterness to me, said to others it didn’t matter if I changed and had no faith in me. You believed I am a doomed person and nothing I did would matter. This broke my heart. The one person in the world I loved now thought I was pathetic and not even worth the time.
Everything that made us a couple got packed up into two boxes. I wanted to throw them away, burn them, shred them, or send them off into space. I didn’t want it anywhere near me. But I couldn’t. I just set them someplace nice and decided I’ll know what to do with them when the time was right. I still look at our stuff from time to time to see how beautiful you are and realize you’ll never smile like that for me again.
I know it is possible to never love anyone the way I did for you. People may view it as childish, or I’m just being hateful, but I know I can’t ever talk to you again as we used to. I can’t look at you with another man knowing you are making him happy the way you would do for me. This will forever be my biggest regret in my life that I didn’t see the signs fast enough in my head.
I have the boys though. They brighten my day whenever they are with me. They hug me and tell me, “I love you for infinity, dad!” I’m so happy we made these boys. I know you’ll hate the piece of them that is me, but I’ll never forget the piece of them that is you.
It is funny to come back to this. I know I still have strong feelings for my ex, but within a year I watched as she cheated on me and later had another affair with a married man from her work. I guess I dodged a bullet? People talk to me and tell me how she pretty much hated me or just plain didn’t like me for most of our marriage. This is a life lesson. Sadly, my kids will have to be a part of it.