Puking Blood and Doing Social Media The Right Way

Yeah, you didn’t read that wrong. A couple of days ago after a few weeks of pain in my stomach I puked a bit of blood. Nothing big, but a good friend of mine made it perfectly clear to me that I should go see a doctor because she is super nosey! Anyways, while I sat down and checked to see when I could make my appointment online I decided to check on Facebook. I hadn’t been on there in months to look at anything and I was a little curious. I noticed right away that it was all the same. Just a sea of things I was following or things people commented on or shared from other pages. Everything I have started to dislike about social media.

I stayed on Instagram because it is more personal with people posting about family or friends. It is very to the point and yeah, sure, people like to post political, religious or the awesome inspirational update, but not as toxic as Facebook. I want to change that even if it is just for myself. I decided to delete every single thing that I followed. You won’t find any likes of my music, movies or hobbies that I enjoy. I know, you must be scared now. How the hell are you going to be able to tell what kind of person I am if you can’t browse through the endless amount of garbage that a person likes. I guess you might just have to ask, maybe?

Social media isn’t evil. TV isn’t evil. Money isn’t evil. Things…aren’t evil. It is the way we as humans use them and this isn’t a generation thing at all. I don’t care what year you were born you probably use social media the same way your kids do. Being anonymous and not standing in front of the person brings out the worst in people sometimes. However, the past four months I have done a lot of, um, well, soul searching I guess you could say. Being disconnected from electronics and trying to be more with myself and with my kids helped me find someone that has been buried in a sludge of crap for a long time.

I’m going to start oil painting. I picked up my guitar again. I’ve taken my health serious with what I eat and working out….I know, the blood thing brings a question to that, right? However, when I’m not full time being a dad or working I’m honestly completely alone. Friends and family aren’t really around me and let’s just say human contact in a romantic way isn’t happening. Yeah, my wife left me, but I’m still in love with her and don’t want to cross that bridge for years.

I guess I kind of need social media in a way. Friends and family that I love are all across the United States and a lot are even further than that. Calling randomly isn’t always best and honestly social media like Facebook is convenient when they aren’t trying to shove ads in your face. I decided to give it another shot, but I removed everything that would annoy me with all the distractions outside that I have no real control over.

WIll this work? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll update what happens in the next couple days, weeks, months or maybe never. Who knows. We will see.

Getting My Confidence Back

I went shopping the other day with my boys and a woman came up to tell me how cute they all were. She said they must have gotten their cuteness from me. When she said that I was taken back a bit by it because this wasn’t the first time I was complimented this year. In fact, the past few months I’ve been feeling good about myself and it is possible people have noticed. It is shocking because for years I had slowly become so hollow as a person I can see why no one wanted to actually compliment me. There was nothing of me to be proud of and I could see it from my family and friends.

The start of the year I remember someone telling me frequently how pathetic I was. The first few months I could probably agree with that to a point. I was falling apart and I had no one to be with me besides my kids and they were gone half the time. I had a lot of time to self-reflect on what I wanted and who I wanted to be in my life. When I figured it out I changed myself so much that even my own family members didn’t recognize me. It was a good feeling. That confidence that was beaten out of me was now back.

I’m constantly told how much my ex doesn’t love me anymore. How I need to just find someone that does love me and feel good about myself. I’m still in love with her, so that isn’t much of an option. I’m not looking for a rebound or someone to make me forget her. I’d rather just let time help me to move on, but it has been nice these past few months being hit on. Granted they have been somewhat awkward and one of them was married who even knew my ex and myself, but I want to just be happy with who I am as a person.

Oddly enough I am happy. There is a lot of crap happening that I wish I could control or fix, but even with all of these issues I’m happy. I know I can’t have everything I want in my life and there are things I’ll just have to push through, but so far I know I’m heading down the right path. The path I know that will make me a happier and a healthy person.

I Made A Compliment Basket

When the year first started I wanted to change how my sons and I talked to each other. We all like to say we would never talk down or say something mean to family members, but that is a load of crap. I love my kids and I know they love me, but sometimes we like to say hurtful things to each other. I came up with the mean jar to put money in every time we did that and we would go get ice cream with it later on. I later realized that wasn’t the best idea since we were treating ourselves from our misdeeds.

I had heard about compliment jars and decided to make my own. I thought of a few phrases I would like my kids to say to each other or to me when things hit the fan. However, I realized the only jar I had for this was too big for their hands too small for mine. I looked around my house and found a small basket we could throw everything in. My next step was coming up with some compliments.

Now, at this point I have to admit something to all of you…or the one person reading this. I am in no way what you would call a “crafty” person. My ex-wife was good at all of this, so even coming up with the idea of doing something like this is what many people would call a miracle. Strangely enough I hated this stuff and now I like doing it. I’m even coming up with newer ideas, so I’m either gay, which one of my friends pointed out, or maybe I want to improve myself along with my surroundings. Who knows, right?

My kids though, they got on it super quick. I didn’t think they would have jumped on board with it as fast as they did. I remember my youngest accidentally kicking me in the face and I said, “You little shit” because it hurt like hell. My middle child ran into the other room and grabbed the basket right away and told me to pick something to say to him. I loved it. They have been better with their words in just a matter of days and always ask me what certain ones mean if they aren’t really grasping the gesture.

I think I want to start a series on here on the boys and I. The things we will be doing together and the fun will be having. There is a lot I want to do with them and I can see us having a blast doing it.

How I Should Have Handled My Divorce

Now, if you are here to get some pointers on how to get back with your ex I’m sorry to say that isn’t what I’m going to talk about. This is more on how to deal with your divorce to help yourself and those around you. I’ve read a few blogs and articles on how to deal with it and what to do, but I can honestly say none of them really helped me out.


It’s Okay To Be Angry, But…

Whether you wanted the divorce or not you are going to be angry. I sure as hell was and when I realized there was nothing I could do to stop it that anger just built up. Being angry can be a good thing and bottling it up could make it worse, but the one thing you don’t want to be is destructive. I started destroying personal pictures of my ex-wife and I that I could never get back. Yeah, it felt good doing it at that second, but once I calmed down I Just felt stupid. I finally put together everything that I loved about her, put it in a box and put it somewhere where I couldn’t do any harm to it. You should honestly do the same thing. Good memories are good memories even if you see a ton of bad coming your way.


If You Have Kids

If you don’t you are lucky then. Well, sort of? My kids mean everything to me and for them to go through this and for my ex and I to have to split our time with them is a bit hard on all of us. Regardless of what happens between you and your spouse the one thing you should be there for is your children. This is going to hurt your kids enough, so don’t use them, don’t take it out on them because no matter what you are still both their parents.


Remember You Both Loved Each Other At One Point

Regardless of how it got here try to make the divorce as painless as possible. People seem to get the idea of “screwing over” the other person because they were hurt in some way. It would just be best to make things fair for both of you, so you can move on with your lives. Unless they did something illegal or tried to physically harm you there isn’t any reason why you should just try not to move on happily.


Trying To Be Friends Can Sometimes Work

I know a few people that are really good friends with their ex and they somehow get everything to work out. I would suggest this because it could bring you peace of mind for your sake and if you have kids even better. However, sometimes it might not work out, like with me. I am still madly in love with my ex. I was with her for close to fifteen years and had three kids with her. When I found out she fell out of love with me years ago, that the sex was just sex and that she was already moving on to another man I was heartbroken. I sadly can’t be her friend and I would suggest you do the same if you are still in love with your ex. I’m not talking we will always love each other stuff. If you still want to be with them and they don’t want to be with you, you should keep your distance.

Honestly, in most cases you are going to break some of these. Try to do the best you can to bring the damage of this to a minimum. Breathe. Think things over and remember this isn’t the end. You will move on and you can be happy again.

I Have A Secret

We all have our little secrets. They can be big or they can be small, but we all have them whether we like to believe it or not. We keep secrets from friends and even our family members. We will hide it because we are afraid of what others think, maybe it is embarrassing or maybe we are just angry. It can comfort us, it can hurt us or depending on the nature it can keep us safe.

This secret involves my password protected post right below this one. The secret answer can be right in front of you sometimes.


I Hate Being Asked If I’m Okay

I’ve been getting that more and more lately. I have a few friends that I can only talk to online and I get a call from one of them asking if something bad had happened to me. It was just a busy week and I’ve slowly been walking away from electronics as the year goes on. They thought something terrible had happened to me or I did something terrible to myself. My year hasn’t always been on the up, so I guess I could understand it. However, people have been asking it more lately.

It might be because I’m not wallowing in my depression anymore, but instead I’m actually happy. Yes, there is still a great deal of sadness that I carry, but it isn’t hurting me as much anymore. I’m happy with myself, I love being with my kids and yes I enjoy my own company being by myself. People are scared for me and I get that. They care and that is nice. It can get annoying though always being asked if I’m going to “make it.”

The divorce is the hardest part of all of this. I’m still very much in love with my ex and us having three kids makes it really tough. I still imagine her lying next to me, I remember the touch of her lips, the way she smells, and I’m actually annoyed she is putting on more makeup because I can’t see her freckles when I see her. I really liked them. Being in love with this person and her not feeling the same way is a bummer. I wanted to try the “friend” thing, but I can’t do it. I honestly hope her or anyone else never feels this way with another person. I’d honestly rather rip my shoulder apart again.

Yes, I’m sad that I don’t get to see my kids all the time, be with the woman I love and my grandfather could pass away any day due to cancer. Weirdly enough I’m still happy though. But what is really strange is just this time last year I was miserable and I had everything I could have ever hoped for in my life now. This is a lesson for me in life to not take things for granted and when something good is with me I should try to have it with me as long as I can and value it.

Here’s a bonus for you all